Keys to Healthy and Loving Family Relationships: Session 4. Parenting Your Children

Happy and healthy family relationships grow from decisions to work through all the problems of life in a constructive and loving way.  The materials provided here may be used to guide discussion and consideration for a 50-60 minute parenting class to help parents grow into strong, supportive and loving mentors for their children.

"Being a good parent today is a real challenge.

Here are some tips to help you create a loving relationship with your kids and still set and enforce the limits they need. 1.
* When children misbehave, let them know that you dislike what they did but not who they are.
*  Rewarding good behavior is more effective than punishing misbehavior.
*  Try to 'catch' your children being good.  Be generous with your praise.
*  Punishment should be used to help teach children about the consequences of their behavior...Never punish in anger.
*  Setting a good example is the best way to teach your children how you want them to behave.
*  Physical punishment teaches a child that  hitting is okay.
*  Words hurt.  If you tell children they are stupid or lazy they will grow up believing that.
*  Make it a habit to spend time together.   For example, make bedtime into story time and read together."

Communication is More Than Words.  2.
There are five important goals in communicating with your children.

1.  The first goal is to communicate "I love you.". 
 No one can do this like a parent.  Children understand that we love them when we use more kind words than criticism, when we give them pats, smiles, and hugs and treat them with respect.

2.  We need to communicate "You can talk to me and I will listen." 
 They understand this when we listen to their feelings without disapproval.

3.  A third communication goal is "You are strong.  I believe in your abilities." 
When we encourage and support their efforts and celebrate their successes, even the small ones, they learn to have faith in their ability.

4.  We need to communicate "You are responsible."  
Children must learn to recognize the connection between their actions and their consequences.  Protecting children from their mistakes will not build character.

5.  We need to communicate,  " I, your parent, am the boss.  I care too much for you to allow you to misbehave.  I will set limits and I expect you to listen to me."  
Children will test the limits, but when they know where the limits are, they feel safe and secure.

Teach Your Children to Manage Money.
Teach them how to separate needs from wants,
 how to save,
 how to invest, and
 how to share with others.

Allow them to manage money through an allowance or money earned from small jobs.  Give them guidelines and allow them to make decisions.

Talk to Your Children About Alcohol and Drugs. 3.
* Make sure children understand the dangers and problems of alcohol and other drug use.
* Learn to really listen. Keep the lines of communication open.
* Help children develop strong values.  This will give them the courage to make decisions based on facts rather than pressure.
* Be a good role model.  Children are aware of their parent's habits.
* Help children deal with peer pressure.  They may need skills to resist pressure from their friends.
* Set firm rules about drinking and other drug use.  Family rules should be clear and consistent.

Marriage or Living Together - Does is Really Matter?
Living arrangements have changed dramatically.  In 1970 1 million people lived together outside of marriage. By 2000 this number increased  to 11 million.  Some have no intention to get married.  Others see living together as a trial marriage.
Children are born into these arrangements.  Having a child is a lifetime commitment to support and care for this person throughout his or her life.  Children deserve and need the love and support of both of their parents.

In planning for the well-being of children and family, it is important to consider all the information that will support a healthy lifestyle.
 Conclusions from social science overwhelmingly show that a commitment to marriage: 4.
* increases the likelihood that both fathers and mothers have a good relationship with their children,
* reduces poverty and material hardship for women and children,
* is associated with lower rates of alcohol and substance abuse,
* is associated with better health and lower rates of injury, illness, and disability,
* reduces the risk of delinquent and criminal behavior, especially for boys,
* reduces the risk of child abuse,
* increases the ability of children to do well in school.

Including Dad in Parenting:  Fathers are important too. 5.
With 40% of children now born out of wedlock, many men are failing to experience the important role of fatherhood and many children are growing up without a father for support, nurture and protection.  An effective father supports and cares for his children's mother.
Fatherhood is the most important role for men because it helps them become pro social.  Our schools, churches and community centers need to provide learning opportunities to help young men become   responsible fathers for their families.

Teaching your Children Healthy Sexuality 6.
Healthy sexuality is about encouraging wholesome relationships and attitudes.  The popular culture teaches that sex is about sexual desires.  We want out children to have God-honoring attitudes about human sexuality.  We should start conversations when our children are young.

For 3-5 year olds the theme is God created boys and girls and moms and dads and God wants us to honor Him with our bodies.  We need to bring up personal safety  issues and what is proper and inappropriate touch from others.

Ages 6-9 is a stage when kids are curious.  Answer their question "Where do babies come from?"  Introduce basic anatomy and how God is a part of families.

The Purity Code is the important message for ages 10-13 with the message that our bodies are gifts from God to be used in obedience to Him.  Address guy/girl relationships, pornography, cultural influences, peer pressure, modesty and flirting.

For ages 14-18 conversations take place on dating, setting standards, sexual abuse, how far is too far, respecting sexuality, drugs, alcohol, partying and sexual integrity decisions.  No conversation should be off limits for parents.

Raising Your Kids to Love the Lord. 7.
Start Children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not depart from it.  Proverbs 22:6.
"We can model true faith and continually pray that God will transform their hearts... The most powerful word is prayer...Praying with your children and for them.  Praying in times of crisis and moments of celebration.  Praying for no reason at all other than to thank God for his Goodness.  Letting them hear you pray.  Teaching them by example."
Get in the habit of telling them Bible stories at bedtime.  Let that motivate you to learn the Bible along with them.  Your young children will ponder the power of God as they fall asleep.  


References:
1.  Texas Coalition for the Prevention of Child Abuse.  11940 Jollyville Road, #395N, Austin, TX 78759.
2.  Gibson, Elaine.  "Communication is more than words."  Bryan-College Station Eagle. Oct. 21, 1990.
3.  Brochure: Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
4.  Institute for American Values.  Why Marriage Matters, Second Edition: Twenty-Six Conclusions from the Social Sciences.  New York, NY:  2005:10-11.
5.  Blankenhorn, David.  Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social  Problem.  Harper. 1995:5.
6.  Burns, Jim. Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality.  Bethany House.  2008.
7.  Stone, Dave.  Raising Your Kids to Love the Lord.  Thomas Nelson Co. 2012.