Happy and healthy family relationships grow from decisions to work through all the problems of life in a constructive and loving way. The materials provided here may be used to guide discussion and considerations for a 50-60 minute parenting class to help parents grow into strong, supportive and loving mentors for their children.
Accepting Conflict
Conflict is natural!
If people live together, they will experience conflict.
Each family member is a different person, and each family member has a God-given need to protect their uniqueness. (1)
Conflicts arise out of personal values, beliefs and needs. Conflict is something to be resolved, not something to be avoided. Unresolved conflicts are like weeds that spread rapidly and crowd out the flowers.
Conflict is an opportunity to grow closer together.
Conflict within families is an opportunity to recognize each other's needs and uniqueness and to celebrate differences.
Fights Anger Resentment Quarrels
Each human being is programmed for survival.
When we feel that our God-given uniqueness is threatened, we feel an impulse to attack the threat (or run and flee).
Conflict in families leads to fear:
* fear of being emotionally wounded,
* fear of losing our loved ones,
* fear of having our weaknesses exposed,
* fear of not being considered,
* fear of not being respected.
When family members feel threatened, we must create a sense of safety.
Ground Rules for Conflict
Conflict resolution requires working together:
*listening, *sharing, *caring, * and fighting fairly (2).
1. Don't try to win. Make it a win-win situation.
Look for a solution where everyone feels OK.
2. Find a way to de-escalate.
Researchers have found that one negative comment requires five counteracting comments.
Agree on a time-out gesture which says, "I need a break".
The person calling for a time out is responsible for making a return appointment to finish the discussion.
3. Look for the positive.
Hurtful comments increase defensiveness.
4. Use what works!
5. Stop doing what doesn't work.
Avoid 'trigger words (lazy, fat, careless, stupid).
6. Keep the big picture in mind.
Don't let molehills become mountains.
7. It takes time.
Practice resolving minor issues. Resolve to do better.
Healing requires that both parties recognize what has occurred and work together to mend the damage.
Decide to Forgive. (3)
"For resentment is negative.
Resentment is poisonous.
Resentment diminishes and devours the self.
Be the first to forgive, To smile and to take the first step.
And you will see happiness bloom on the face of your human brother and sister.
Be always the first.
Do not wait for others to forgive
For by forgiving, You become the master of fate,
the fashioner of life,
the doers of miracles.
To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love.
In return you will receive untold peace and happiness."
(Robert Muller)
Forgiveness is a Process!
Forgiveness is the first step in achieving inner peace.
Forgiveness is a decision to release someone from a debt.
You no longer feel like the person owes you, and you decide that you will not try to even the score. (4).
Forgiveness:
* takes a spirit of humility,
* requires hard work,
* needs time,
* requires an open spirit,
* involves a decision,
* and is a process.
How to apologize.
When you were the transgressor, an apology is appropriate. An apology must be followed by attitude and behavior changes which verify that the apology was sincere.
1. Confess honestly your wrongdoing and accept responsibility.
2. Offer no excuse and do not attempt to shift the blame.
3. Acknowledge the level of hurt and pain that you caused.
4. Verbalize your remorse and ask to be forgiven.
5. Demonstrate signs of repentance, such as changed attitudes and behaviors.
Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
References.
1. Thomas A. Whiteman & Thomas G. Barlette. The Marriage Mender. Navpress. 1996.
2. Ibid. Chapter 8
3. Dear Abby - Monday, February 13, 1995.
4. Ibid. T. Whiteman & T. Barlette.. The Marriage Mender. Chapter 10
Friday, February 26, 2016
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