On June 15th of 2007, the Governor of Texas signed into Law 2 bills designed to support the development of healthy marriages and families:
House Bill 2683 - Strengthening Families
House Bill 2685 - Marriage Preparation Courses 1.
PUBLIC POLICY CONCERNS
Building strong families is a public policy concern because the dissolution of marriage and families creates social problems which require the state to spend large amounts of money through child support collection, food stamps, government health insurance and correctional facilities. 2.
Federal law makes federal grants available to state governments from the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) block grants and from the Safe and Stable Families block grants. However, only a few states, including Oklahoma and Ohio, use these grants. 3.
By supporting these two bills, Texas will lead the nation at the state level in promoting programs to give families tools to succeed in marriage and family relationship skills.
HB 2683 - STRENGTHENING FAMILIES
This bill, which became effective on September 1, 2007, approved $15 million in federal TANF funds for programs "to promote healthy relationships, and child well-being and to reduce the risk of domestic violence." 4.
HB 2685 - MARRIAGE PREPARATION COURSES
This bill, which will become effective on September 1, 2008, encourages applicants for marriage licenses to take voluntary marriage preparation courses.
HB 2685 also increases the fee for a marriage license from $30 to $60. However, couples who choose to undertake an 8 hour marriage preparation course will be exempt from paying the marriage license fee and also exempt from the 72 hour waiting period between the issuing of a license and the date of marriage.
The marriage preparation courses must include instruction in conflict resolution and communication skills. The courses offered must be based on research and provided by a certified instructor.
The Texas Health and Human Services Commission (HHSC) maintains a website under the "Twogether in Texas" Healthy Marriage Program to register trained marriage educators, make information available to the public, and ensure that the premarital education courses offered meet appropriate standards. The state has been divided into 12 regions with intermediaries who oversee the program. 5.
Education programs funded by the state must use secular and qualifying curriculum, and offer the classes free of charge.
Education programs not funded by the state can use faith-based curriculum if it is
certified as a recognized premarital curriculum. These programs must be registered with the Regional Intermediaries of "Twogether in Texas" in order for recipients to receive the marriage fee exemption.
IT'S TIME TO ADDRESS THE PROBLEM.
"Encouraging couples to undertake premarital education courses is intended to provide them with the skills necessary to resolve marital conflicts, which will make for stronger marriages that are less likely to end in failure. It is indisputable that marriage has a positive impact on the well-being of adults, children, and families, and that it improves satisfaction with life and fosters economic stability." 6.
State Representive, Warren Chisum, R-Pampa, sponsored the legislation that developed the programs for healthy family education. He said, "With the frequency of divorce and problems we have with marriage in this state, it's time someone addressed the problem." 7.
REFERENCES
1. www.capitol.state.tx.us/BillLookup/BillNumber.aspx. July 30, 2008.
2. Legislative Update. Friday, July 13, 2007.
http://www.house.state.tx.us/news/release.php?id=2126.
3. Texas FAMLI. http://tx.famli.us/content/view/1/1/.
4. Leeks, Gordon. Project Manager, Healthy Marriage Program. Texas Health and
Human Services Commission. Power Point presentation. 6/6/08. "Twogether in
Texas".
5. Ibid.
6. Legislative Update. (as above)
7. Hodges, Sam. "Texas Marriage Education Program aims to prevent divorce."
The Dallas Morning News. July 4, 2008.
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/religion/stories/070508
dnmetmarriageclass.23f2125.html.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
How's the Weather Inside? A Workshop for Marriage Enrichment
Yes,you can do it! Plan a workshop for marriage enrichment.
"America has the highest rate of marriage of any industrialized nation...(and) the highest divorce rate in the world. Most of the world views the American pattern of marriage and divorce not as a model to be copied but as a disaster to be avoided."1.
David Mace, the founder of the Organization for Couples in Marriage Enrichment, stated, "I believe we must find ways to kindle new hope in them that their marriages can really be much more satisfying and rewarding." 2. Marriage enrichment is not therapy or counseling. Rather it is educational and learning exercises in better communication skills.
Communities across the country are beginning to realize the need for education in marriage and family relationships. Churches, civic groups and schools are providing classes and seminars for couples and parents to learn the importance of family and to learn skills to stay connected. 3.
There are many resources available to help organize programs for marriage enrichment.
This workshop, conducted within a church setting, was guided by discussions and exercises found in the book: The Marriage Mender: A Couple's Guide to Staying Together. 4.
Thoughtful popular songs were used throughout the program.
======================================================
A Workshop for Marriage Enrichment:
HOW'S THE WEATHER INSIDE? GETTING TO SUNSHINE THROUGH THE STORM.
Every marriage has many storms to weather as life progresses and changes. Marriage enrichment activities develop skills in affirming each other, conflict resolution and communication.
9:00 Opening Session/ Introduction'
Song: Singin'in the Rain -"I'm laughing at clouds so dark up above.
The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for love."5.
9:30 Workshop I - Charting the Storms and Clouds / Rainbows and Sunshine
Song: Suddenly There's a Valley - "When a storm hides the distant rainbow, and you think you can't find a friend" 6.
10:45 Break
11:00 Workshop II - Calming the Storm - Conflict Resolution Skills
Song: You'll Never Walk Alone - "When you walk through a storm hold your head up high". 7.
12:15 Lunch
1:15 Workshop III. Seeing Through the Clouds - Clear Communication
Song: Sing a Rainbow -"Listen with your eyes and sing everything you see." 8.
2:30 Break
2:45 Workshop IV - Rainbows and Sunshine - Creating Intimacy
3:45 Concluding Thoughts
======================================================
WORKSHOP I. CHARTING THE STORMS AND CLOUDS / RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE
(The Marriage Mender - Chapters one and two)
Couple exercise.
Each person, anonymously, makes a list of 3 serious problems and 3 valuable assets in their marital relationship. The lists are turned in and written on overhead charts for future discussion and reference. This exercise helps husbands and wives realize that many of their experiences are common to other couples.
Expectations
We enter marriage with many myths about what marriage should be: 'my mate will always love me, share my values, and understand my feelings and needs'.
Then we wake up to discover, "I didn't marry myself!"
Our problems come from 3 areas of differences:
* opposites attract
* men and women are different
* each partner comes from a different family-of-origen.
Unrealistic expectations can lead to resentment and anger unless they are realistically examined and discussed.
Three inevitable stages of love and marriage:
Infatuation - Negotiation- Mature Love
Romance and infatuation
This is a wonderful period in a relationship. It allows for the bonding and attachment necessary for a marriage to take place. A feeling of 'US' pervades.
TV, movies, music, and romance novels deceive us into thinking that love will always be exciting and unconditional.
Romance is a transient stage that we move through into the stage of negotiation.
Negotiation
This stage occurs when the partners realize that they are not getting all their needs met. A feeling of 'ME' occurs when expectations are shattered and energized conflict develops. A committed process of communication, listening, compromise and forgiveness is required to work through the differences.
Without a concerted effort to understand and grow together, destructive patterns lead to stalemate, boredom, and autonomy, or separation and divorce.
Mature Love
Mature love requires the commitment to appreciate each other's uniqueness, to communicate, and be flexible enough to meet each other's needs. The feeling of 'US' returns as each partner accepts the responsibility to honor and appreciate differences and work through the give and take of daily activities.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WORKSHOP II - CALMING THE STORM - CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS
(The Marriage Mender. Chapters four and eight)
Accepting Conflict
Couples don't fight because they don't like each other, but because they do.
Conflict is natural. If people live together, they will experience conflict.
We are each made differently. Each family member has a built-in need to protect their uniqueness.
Conflicts arise out of personal values, beliefs, and needs.
Conflict is something to be resolved, not something to be avoided.
Conflict in families is an opportunity to recognize each other's needs and uniqueness and to celebrate differences.
Conflict is an opportunity to grow closer together.
Making your marriage and family a place of safety
We are created with a defense system to protect us from danger. This doesn't always help us form intimate relationships.
When conflict occurs in marriage, there is fear... of being emotionally wounded, of losing our mate, of our weaknesses being exposed.
You fight because you don't feel safe. When you and your spouse hiss at each other like threatened animals, you must lessen the threat.
What does safety look like?
It starts with respect...partners take time to listen, understand and respond.
Partners are there for each other.
Solutions
Decide to disarm.
Write it down and contract to being a safer partner.
Open closed hearts and minds to each others needs.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WORKSHOP III. SEEING THROUGH THE CLOUDS - CLEAR COMMUNICATION
(The Marriage Mender - Chapters five and six)
Words have power. Choose them carefully.
Words can hurt, injure, anger and alienate or they can heal, help, comfort and soothe.
"We are always communicating. It is impossible not to communicate... The irritable look, the silence, the lack of touch - all of these communicate".
Anger
Anger keeps many couples from expressing feelings. Anger is a shield for other emotions we don't know how to express, such as hurt, fear, sadness or tiredness.
Active Listening
We cannot overestimate the need that people have to be truly listened to. We all need to feel that we are heard, without being judged or criticized.
Active listening involves context and content.
Context includes paying attention to the message conveyed by nonverbal signals: body language, facial expression, voice tone, and inflection. (This requires putting down the newspaper or turning away from the television.)
Content requires reflection on the meaning of what was said.
Restatement
Effective listening involves restating to the person your understanding of what you heard. Restatement allows a person to feel that he or she has been heard.
The B-E-A-R method. An exercise for couples
Choose a recent event that caused you to experience some emotion toward your spouse and complete the four components.
B - (Behavior) Describe the behavior
E - (Emotion) Describe the feeling you had about the behavior.
A - (Alternative) Describe an alternative behavior you would have preferred.
R - (Result) Describe the consequence resulting from your requested alternative.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WORKSHOP IV - RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE - CREATING INTIMACY
(The Marriage Mender - Chapters eight, nine and ten)
Develop habits in your marriage to learn effective conflict resolution skills.
Win-win situations- Find ways in which both of you can win each conflict.
De-escalate -When conflicts arise agree on a gesture indicating that a timeout is needed. The person calling timeout is responsible for making a return appointment to continue the discussion.
Accentuate the positive - Research shows that it takes 5 or more positive compliments to overcome a negative. Compliment your spouse on what he or she is doing right. Do it often.
Use what works - Make a list of ways that have worked in the past to overcome conflicts.
Stop doing what doesn't work - Don't continue 'the same old song and dance' if it isn't working. Try a new dance step.
Keep the big picture in mind - Keep a realistic view of where you have been and where you are headed and the good things about your relationship. Write them down.
It takes time - Encourage each other as you develop new skills.
Pursue forgiveness
Forgiveness - takes a spirit of humility,
- requires hard work
- needs time
- requires an open spirit
- is a continuing process.
CELEBRATE!
Go out to dinner, take a mini-vacation, make love - find some way to recognize your successes in relationships.
=======================
References
1. Social Problems for the Twenty-First Century. J. John Palen. McGraw Hill.
2001:278
2. Mace, David. Building Better Marriages. Association for Couples in
Marriage Enrichment. March-April 2003. Vol. 32. No 2. pg.1.
3. *McManus, Mike. Marriage Savers. www.marriagesavers.org.
*Baumgarnder, Julie. "Marriage First: How a city restored families".Focus on the
Family. August 2006. pgs 16-17.
4. Whiteman, Ph.D., Thomas A. and Thomas G. Bartlett, Ph.D. The Marriage Mender:
A Couple's Guide for Staying Together. 1996. Navpress.
5. Singin' In The Rain. 1929. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer,Inc. Lyrics by Arthur
Freed. Music by Nacio Herb Brown.
6. Suddenly There's a Valley.1955.Warman Music.by Chuck Meyer & Biff Jones.
7. You'll Never Walk Alone. MCMXLV. Williamson Music, Inc. Words by Oscar
Hammerstein. Music by Richards Rodgers.
8. Sing a Rainbow. 1955. Mark VII Music. Words and Music by Arthur
Hamilton.
"America has the highest rate of marriage of any industrialized nation...(and) the highest divorce rate in the world. Most of the world views the American pattern of marriage and divorce not as a model to be copied but as a disaster to be avoided."1.
David Mace, the founder of the Organization for Couples in Marriage Enrichment, stated, "I believe we must find ways to kindle new hope in them that their marriages can really be much more satisfying and rewarding." 2. Marriage enrichment is not therapy or counseling. Rather it is educational and learning exercises in better communication skills.
Communities across the country are beginning to realize the need for education in marriage and family relationships. Churches, civic groups and schools are providing classes and seminars for couples and parents to learn the importance of family and to learn skills to stay connected. 3.
There are many resources available to help organize programs for marriage enrichment.
This workshop, conducted within a church setting, was guided by discussions and exercises found in the book: The Marriage Mender: A Couple's Guide to Staying Together. 4.
Thoughtful popular songs were used throughout the program.
======================================================
A Workshop for Marriage Enrichment:
HOW'S THE WEATHER INSIDE? GETTING TO SUNSHINE THROUGH THE STORM.
Every marriage has many storms to weather as life progresses and changes. Marriage enrichment activities develop skills in affirming each other, conflict resolution and communication.
9:00 Opening Session/ Introduction'
Song: Singin'in the Rain -"I'm laughing at clouds so dark up above.
The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for love."5.
9:30 Workshop I - Charting the Storms and Clouds / Rainbows and Sunshine
Song: Suddenly There's a Valley - "When a storm hides the distant rainbow, and you think you can't find a friend" 6.
10:45 Break
11:00 Workshop II - Calming the Storm - Conflict Resolution Skills
Song: You'll Never Walk Alone - "When you walk through a storm hold your head up high". 7.
12:15 Lunch
1:15 Workshop III. Seeing Through the Clouds - Clear Communication
Song: Sing a Rainbow -"Listen with your eyes and sing everything you see." 8.
2:30 Break
2:45 Workshop IV - Rainbows and Sunshine - Creating Intimacy
3:45 Concluding Thoughts
======================================================
WORKSHOP I. CHARTING THE STORMS AND CLOUDS / RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE
(The Marriage Mender - Chapters one and two)
Couple exercise.
Each person, anonymously, makes a list of 3 serious problems and 3 valuable assets in their marital relationship. The lists are turned in and written on overhead charts for future discussion and reference. This exercise helps husbands and wives realize that many of their experiences are common to other couples.
Expectations
We enter marriage with many myths about what marriage should be: 'my mate will always love me, share my values, and understand my feelings and needs'.
Then we wake up to discover, "I didn't marry myself!"
Our problems come from 3 areas of differences:
* opposites attract
* men and women are different
* each partner comes from a different family-of-origen.
Unrealistic expectations can lead to resentment and anger unless they are realistically examined and discussed.
Three inevitable stages of love and marriage:
Infatuation - Negotiation- Mature Love
Romance and infatuation
This is a wonderful period in a relationship. It allows for the bonding and attachment necessary for a marriage to take place. A feeling of 'US' pervades.
TV, movies, music, and romance novels deceive us into thinking that love will always be exciting and unconditional.
Romance is a transient stage that we move through into the stage of negotiation.
Negotiation
This stage occurs when the partners realize that they are not getting all their needs met. A feeling of 'ME' occurs when expectations are shattered and energized conflict develops. A committed process of communication, listening, compromise and forgiveness is required to work through the differences.
Without a concerted effort to understand and grow together, destructive patterns lead to stalemate, boredom, and autonomy, or separation and divorce.
Mature Love
Mature love requires the commitment to appreciate each other's uniqueness, to communicate, and be flexible enough to meet each other's needs. The feeling of 'US' returns as each partner accepts the responsibility to honor and appreciate differences and work through the give and take of daily activities.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WORKSHOP II - CALMING THE STORM - CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS
(The Marriage Mender. Chapters four and eight)
Accepting Conflict
Couples don't fight because they don't like each other, but because they do.
Conflict is natural. If people live together, they will experience conflict.
We are each made differently. Each family member has a built-in need to protect their uniqueness.
Conflicts arise out of personal values, beliefs, and needs.
Conflict is something to be resolved, not something to be avoided.
Conflict in families is an opportunity to recognize each other's needs and uniqueness and to celebrate differences.
Conflict is an opportunity to grow closer together.
Making your marriage and family a place of safety
We are created with a defense system to protect us from danger. This doesn't always help us form intimate relationships.
When conflict occurs in marriage, there is fear... of being emotionally wounded, of losing our mate, of our weaknesses being exposed.
You fight because you don't feel safe. When you and your spouse hiss at each other like threatened animals, you must lessen the threat.
What does safety look like?
It starts with respect...partners take time to listen, understand and respond.
Partners are there for each other.
Solutions
Decide to disarm.
Write it down and contract to being a safer partner.
Open closed hearts and minds to each others needs.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WORKSHOP III. SEEING THROUGH THE CLOUDS - CLEAR COMMUNICATION
(The Marriage Mender - Chapters five and six)
Words have power. Choose them carefully.
Words can hurt, injure, anger and alienate or they can heal, help, comfort and soothe.
"We are always communicating. It is impossible not to communicate... The irritable look, the silence, the lack of touch - all of these communicate".
Anger
Anger keeps many couples from expressing feelings. Anger is a shield for other emotions we don't know how to express, such as hurt, fear, sadness or tiredness.
Active Listening
We cannot overestimate the need that people have to be truly listened to. We all need to feel that we are heard, without being judged or criticized.
Active listening involves context and content.
Context includes paying attention to the message conveyed by nonverbal signals: body language, facial expression, voice tone, and inflection. (This requires putting down the newspaper or turning away from the television.)
Content requires reflection on the meaning of what was said.
Restatement
Effective listening involves restating to the person your understanding of what you heard. Restatement allows a person to feel that he or she has been heard.
The B-E-A-R method. An exercise for couples
Choose a recent event that caused you to experience some emotion toward your spouse and complete the four components.
B - (Behavior) Describe the behavior
E - (Emotion) Describe the feeling you had about the behavior.
A - (Alternative) Describe an alternative behavior you would have preferred.
R - (Result) Describe the consequence resulting from your requested alternative.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WORKSHOP IV - RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE - CREATING INTIMACY
(The Marriage Mender - Chapters eight, nine and ten)
Develop habits in your marriage to learn effective conflict resolution skills.
Win-win situations- Find ways in which both of you can win each conflict.
De-escalate -When conflicts arise agree on a gesture indicating that a timeout is needed. The person calling timeout is responsible for making a return appointment to continue the discussion.
Accentuate the positive - Research shows that it takes 5 or more positive compliments to overcome a negative. Compliment your spouse on what he or she is doing right. Do it often.
Use what works - Make a list of ways that have worked in the past to overcome conflicts.
Stop doing what doesn't work - Don't continue 'the same old song and dance' if it isn't working. Try a new dance step.
Keep the big picture in mind - Keep a realistic view of where you have been and where you are headed and the good things about your relationship. Write them down.
It takes time - Encourage each other as you develop new skills.
Pursue forgiveness
Forgiveness - takes a spirit of humility,
- requires hard work
- needs time
- requires an open spirit
- is a continuing process.
CELEBRATE!
Go out to dinner, take a mini-vacation, make love - find some way to recognize your successes in relationships.
=======================
References
1. Social Problems for the Twenty-First Century. J. John Palen. McGraw Hill.
2001:278
2. Mace, David. Building Better Marriages. Association for Couples in
Marriage Enrichment. March-April 2003. Vol. 32. No 2. pg.1.
3. *McManus, Mike. Marriage Savers. www.marriagesavers.org.
*Baumgarnder, Julie. "Marriage First: How a city restored families".Focus on the
Family. August 2006. pgs 16-17.
4. Whiteman, Ph.D., Thomas A. and Thomas G. Bartlett, Ph.D. The Marriage Mender:
A Couple's Guide for Staying Together. 1996. Navpress.
5. Singin' In The Rain. 1929. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer,Inc. Lyrics by Arthur
Freed. Music by Nacio Herb Brown.
6. Suddenly There's a Valley.1955.Warman Music.by Chuck Meyer & Biff Jones.
7. You'll Never Walk Alone. MCMXLV. Williamson Music, Inc. Words by Oscar
Hammerstein. Music by Richards Rodgers.
8. Sing a Rainbow. 1955. Mark VII Music. Words and Music by Arthur
Hamilton.
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