Happy and healthy family relationships grow from decisions to work through all the problems of life in a constructive and loving way. The materials provided here may be used to guide discussion and considerations for a 50-60 minute parenting class to help parents grow into strong, supportive and loving mentors for their children.
"Communication is essential to the expression of love. Where there is love, there must be communication. Love inevitably expresses itself and moves out toward others. When communication breaks down, love is blocked. It's energy will turn to resentment and hostility." (Herein is Love. Reuel Howe)
In many families, the key to communication cannot be found. The doors to meaningful sharing are locked. Communication is the process of sharing yourself both verbally and non-verbally in such a way that the other person can understand and accept what you are saying.
Listening, talking and understanding are all involved in communication. Constructive family communication is the result of a conscious decision deliberately made. Communication takes time, concern, and consideration.
The First duty of love is to listen. Hearing is passive; listening is active. Listening demands concentration...thinking with the other person. The following phrase is too often true; "You're hearing me, but you aren't listening to me." (Paul Tillich).
"It is impossible to overestimate the immense need people have to be really listened to. A person feels affirmed when they are thoughtfully listened to." (Paul Tournier).
Listening with both your ears and eyes is essential in communication, but listening doesn't come easily. Most of us want to talk and tell our side of the story. We need to listen more and talk less.
Family communication often becomes filled with emotional needs and struggles for power.
In messages involving feelings, psychologist Albert Mehrabian contends that non-verbal communication is the message that is heard. Think about what you are communicating through your:
Words (7%), Body language (55%- eye contact, gestures, facial expressions),Tone of voice (38%).
Misunderstandings and misinterpretations often occur.
There are actually six messages that can come through.
1. What you mean to say.
2. What you actually say.
3 What the other person hears.
4. What the other person thinks he hears.
5. What the other person says about what you said.
6. What you think the other person said about what you said. (1)
Barriers to Communication
Lack of time
Bad timing
Anger
Exaggeration
Poor choice of words
Mixed messages
Noise
Hearing problems
Unwillingness to listen to others
Self-centeredness
Lack of concern for others
Insecurity
Fear others will disagree
Words that hurt
Angry expressions
Too busy
Arrogance
Words have power. Chose them carefully.
Words can hurt, injure, anger and alienate.
Or they can heal, help, comfort and soothe.
Words that hurt and discourage.
What's the matter with you?
Why are you causing trouble?
Why don't you ever help?
You stupid idiot!
Can't you do one simple thing?
Is that the best you can do?
Words that heal and encourage.
That's great, I like that.
I appreciate what you do around here.
Could you please help me with this?
I'm proud of you.
Thank you for helping.
You're coming along. Keep at it.
Instead of "YOU" Statements (they place blame and create defensiveness)
-Why did you do that?, You are so careless!
use "I" Statements (they describe your feelings and create understanding.).
- I'm confused. I don't understand what you're doing. I'm afraid you're going to break something.
Avoid Buzz words and absolute terms.
Words such as 'always', 'never', and 'why didn't you' run up red flags.
- You never listen to me!
- You always interrupt me when I talk.
- Why didn't you finish that ?
Think of a thoughtful way to make a point.
- I feel left out when you don't include me in the conversation.
- When you finish your job we can play a game.
- When you interrupt me I lose track of what I'm saying.
Write it down!
The marriage weekend retreats called Marriage Encounter encourage writing thoughts and feelings about relationships and sharing them with your partner.
Writing helps to focus thoughts and crystallize feelings in a way that helps the writer and the receiver understand the problem better without being burdened with emotional expression or gestures.
The Family Realm is Unique.
It is within the family realm that the qualities of God's love are developed and shared. The family realm is the unique organization in which we become whole in our relationships.
Other organizations, including school, church, business or recreation, involve us only for a limited time with a focused involvement. We interact as a role person with role expectations.
It is within the family that we interact as a whole person with the emotions of a whole person. Many processes are occurring at once with a goal of permanent involvement and mutidimensional caregiving. It is within the family that we grow as a person of ultimate value.
Impart Grace to Those Who Hear. Speak the Truth in Love.
But speaking the truth in love, may you grow up into Him in all things, which is the head, even Christ. (Ephesians 4:15).
Therefore, putting away falsehood, let every one speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another...
Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for edifying, as fits the occasion, that it may impart grace to those who hear.
Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God...Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, with all malice,
And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:25-32).
Reference:
1. H. Norman Wright. Communication: Key to your Marriage. Gospel Light, 1978:17).
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