Most Americans continue to find their greatest sources of nurture, support, and meaning within their family experiences.
In our modern society, however, we are spending an increasing amount of time in bureaucratic organizational involvements, away from our families.
Organizations, while offering support and services for families and individuals, may challenge and compete with family involvements. Organizations may view members as commodities to expand and increase the organizational program, with little thought or concern about how the involvements may affect relationships within the family unit.
Social analyst, Eugene Litwak, contends that both organizations and strong family relationships are essential for the maintenance of an industrial society. He notes that organizations provide efficient, objective, transitory, and specialized services, while the family and kinship units provide the personal, emotional, diffuse, and permanent support and guidance necessary for personal development. 1.
THE FAMILY REALM IS DIFFERENT
The family realm differs from relationships in bureaucratic organizations. The expectations for interactions within these two realms are usually quite different.
Researchers in the Department of Family Sciences of Brigham Young University identified seven characteristics that distinguish the 'ideal' family realm from organizational experiences. 2.
1. Family relationships are generational and permanent.
* Organizations have specific goals of interest for a limited time period.
2. Family relationships involve 'whole persons' for better and worse with respect for the unique qualities of the members.
* Organizations involve people in a 'role' relationship, structured to avoid
contradictions.
3. Family relationships are multidimensional. Many processes are occurring at once, often becoming irrational and disordered. Actions and feelings must be juggled simultaneously.
* Organizational activities are focused, sequential, ordered, and temporary.
4. Families develop emotional intensity that includes not only feelings of love, but also feelings of concern worry, and anger.
* Feelings toward organizational colleagues are less intense and holistic.
5. Family relationships focus on measures of the quality of 'being' in an ongoing process of nurture.
* Organizations focus on quantity measures of achievement, profit, performance,
ratings, and rankings.
6. Family relationships include a sense of sacred responsibility and duty to other family members.
* Organizations include agreements and contracts for mutual advantage.
7. Family relationships are based on processes of caring, nurturing, persuading, and training to foster the growth and development of the members.
* Organizations treat members as commodities where people are hired, fired,
managed and manipulated.
LEARNING HOW TO LOVE FOREVER - EDUCATION FOR HEALTHY MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES
Our social education programs are failing to educate citizens in the skills necessary for the success of healthy marriage and family relationships. Without the ability to care and share, listen and communicate, manage anger, resolve conflicts and forgive, relationships within families become destructive and broken.
In 1995, the Council on Families, which includes prominent social researchers and proponents of religious and social policy, issued a report entitled Marriage in America: A Report to the Nation. They contend that "The divorce revolution...has failed. It has created terrible hardships for children, incurred unsupportable social costs, and failed to deliver on its promise of greater adult happiness... Making marriage in America stronger will require a fundamental shift in cultural values and public policy. No one sector of society is responsible for the decline in marriage... We are all part of the problem, and therefore we all must be part of the solution." 3.
The Council on Families concludes that educational, religious, civic, business, political, and health organizations must all work together to regain the personal
and social value of marriage and family relationships.
In light of the importance of continuing family relationships for personal support, and concerns for the tragic breakdown of family relationships and social cost to individuals and society, it is essential that our educational organizations, including our schools, churches and other community support groups, offer training in the unique processes that support marriage and family nurture and enrichment.
WE CAN LEARN TO LOVE FOREVER! It's time to move forward and make it happen!
REFERENCES:
1. Litwak, Eugene. "Extended kin relations in an industrial society." In
Social Structure and the Family: Generational Relations.E. Shanas and B.F. Streib. Englewood Cliff, NJ: Prentice Hall. 1965:290-323.
2. Beutler, Ivan R., Wesley R. Burr and Kathleen S. Bahr. "The family realm: theoretical contributions for understanding its uniqueness." Journal of Marriage and the Family. Vol.51(August)1989:805-816.
3. Council on Families. Marriage in America: A Report to the Nation. 1995.
www.americanvalues.org/html/r-marriage_in_america.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Texas Leads in Marriage Strengthening Programs
On June 15th of 2007, the Governor of Texas signed into Law 2 bills designed to support the development of healthy marriages and families:
House Bill 2683 - Strengthening Families
House Bill 2685 - Marriage Preparation Courses 1.
PUBLIC POLICY CONCERNS
Building strong families is a public policy concern because the dissolution of marriage and families creates social problems which require the state to spend large amounts of money through child support collection, food stamps, government health insurance and correctional facilities. 2.
Federal law makes federal grants available to state governments from the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) block grants and from the Safe and Stable Families block grants. However, only a few states, including Oklahoma and Ohio, use these grants. 3.
By supporting these two bills, Texas will lead the nation at the state level in promoting programs to give families tools to succeed in marriage and family relationship skills.
HB 2683 - STRENGTHENING FAMILIES
This bill, which became effective on September 1, 2007, approved $15 million in federal TANF funds for programs "to promote healthy relationships, and child well-being and to reduce the risk of domestic violence." 4.
HB 2685 - MARRIAGE PREPARATION COURSES
This bill, which will become effective on September 1, 2008, encourages applicants for marriage licenses to take voluntary marriage preparation courses.
HB 2685 also increases the fee for a marriage license from $30 to $60. However, couples who choose to undertake an 8 hour marriage preparation course will be exempt from paying the marriage license fee and also exempt from the 72 hour waiting period between the issuing of a license and the date of marriage.
The marriage preparation courses must include instruction in conflict resolution and communication skills. The courses offered must be based on research and provided by a certified instructor.
The Texas Health and Human Services Commission (HHSC) maintains a website under the "Twogether in Texas" Healthy Marriage Program to register trained marriage educators, make information available to the public, and ensure that the premarital education courses offered meet appropriate standards. The state has been divided into 12 regions with intermediaries who oversee the program. 5.
Education programs funded by the state must use secular and qualifying curriculum, and offer the classes free of charge.
Education programs not funded by the state can use faith-based curriculum if it is
certified as a recognized premarital curriculum. These programs must be registered with the Regional Intermediaries of "Twogether in Texas" in order for recipients to receive the marriage fee exemption.
IT'S TIME TO ADDRESS THE PROBLEM.
"Encouraging couples to undertake premarital education courses is intended to provide them with the skills necessary to resolve marital conflicts, which will make for stronger marriages that are less likely to end in failure. It is indisputable that marriage has a positive impact on the well-being of adults, children, and families, and that it improves satisfaction with life and fosters economic stability." 6.
State Representive, Warren Chisum, R-Pampa, sponsored the legislation that developed the programs for healthy family education. He said, "With the frequency of divorce and problems we have with marriage in this state, it's time someone addressed the problem." 7.
REFERENCES
1. www.capitol.state.tx.us/BillLookup/BillNumber.aspx. July 30, 2008.
2. Legislative Update. Friday, July 13, 2007.
http://www.house.state.tx.us/news/release.php?id=2126.
3. Texas FAMLI. http://tx.famli.us/content/view/1/1/.
4. Leeks, Gordon. Project Manager, Healthy Marriage Program. Texas Health and
Human Services Commission. Power Point presentation. 6/6/08. "Twogether in
Texas".
5. Ibid.
6. Legislative Update. (as above)
7. Hodges, Sam. "Texas Marriage Education Program aims to prevent divorce."
The Dallas Morning News. July 4, 2008.
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/religion/stories/070508
dnmetmarriageclass.23f2125.html.
House Bill 2683 - Strengthening Families
House Bill 2685 - Marriage Preparation Courses 1.
PUBLIC POLICY CONCERNS
Building strong families is a public policy concern because the dissolution of marriage and families creates social problems which require the state to spend large amounts of money through child support collection, food stamps, government health insurance and correctional facilities. 2.
Federal law makes federal grants available to state governments from the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) block grants and from the Safe and Stable Families block grants. However, only a few states, including Oklahoma and Ohio, use these grants. 3.
By supporting these two bills, Texas will lead the nation at the state level in promoting programs to give families tools to succeed in marriage and family relationship skills.
HB 2683 - STRENGTHENING FAMILIES
This bill, which became effective on September 1, 2007, approved $15 million in federal TANF funds for programs "to promote healthy relationships, and child well-being and to reduce the risk of domestic violence." 4.
HB 2685 - MARRIAGE PREPARATION COURSES
This bill, which will become effective on September 1, 2008, encourages applicants for marriage licenses to take voluntary marriage preparation courses.
HB 2685 also increases the fee for a marriage license from $30 to $60. However, couples who choose to undertake an 8 hour marriage preparation course will be exempt from paying the marriage license fee and also exempt from the 72 hour waiting period between the issuing of a license and the date of marriage.
The marriage preparation courses must include instruction in conflict resolution and communication skills. The courses offered must be based on research and provided by a certified instructor.
The Texas Health and Human Services Commission (HHSC) maintains a website under the "Twogether in Texas" Healthy Marriage Program to register trained marriage educators, make information available to the public, and ensure that the premarital education courses offered meet appropriate standards. The state has been divided into 12 regions with intermediaries who oversee the program. 5.
Education programs funded by the state must use secular and qualifying curriculum, and offer the classes free of charge.
Education programs not funded by the state can use faith-based curriculum if it is
certified as a recognized premarital curriculum. These programs must be registered with the Regional Intermediaries of "Twogether in Texas" in order for recipients to receive the marriage fee exemption.
IT'S TIME TO ADDRESS THE PROBLEM.
"Encouraging couples to undertake premarital education courses is intended to provide them with the skills necessary to resolve marital conflicts, which will make for stronger marriages that are less likely to end in failure. It is indisputable that marriage has a positive impact on the well-being of adults, children, and families, and that it improves satisfaction with life and fosters economic stability." 6.
State Representive, Warren Chisum, R-Pampa, sponsored the legislation that developed the programs for healthy family education. He said, "With the frequency of divorce and problems we have with marriage in this state, it's time someone addressed the problem." 7.
REFERENCES
1. www.capitol.state.tx.us/BillLookup/BillNumber.aspx. July 30, 2008.
2. Legislative Update. Friday, July 13, 2007.
http://www.house.state.tx.us/news/release.php?id=2126.
3. Texas FAMLI. http://tx.famli.us/content/view/1/1/.
4. Leeks, Gordon. Project Manager, Healthy Marriage Program. Texas Health and
Human Services Commission. Power Point presentation. 6/6/08. "Twogether in
Texas".
5. Ibid.
6. Legislative Update. (as above)
7. Hodges, Sam. "Texas Marriage Education Program aims to prevent divorce."
The Dallas Morning News. July 4, 2008.
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/religion/stories/070508
dnmetmarriageclass.23f2125.html.
Friday, July 11, 2008
How's the Weather Inside? A Workshop for Marriage Enrichment
Yes,you can do it! Plan a workshop for marriage enrichment.
"America has the highest rate of marriage of any industrialized nation...(and) the highest divorce rate in the world. Most of the world views the American pattern of marriage and divorce not as a model to be copied but as a disaster to be avoided."1.
David Mace, the founder of the Organization for Couples in Marriage Enrichment, stated, "I believe we must find ways to kindle new hope in them that their marriages can really be much more satisfying and rewarding." 2. Marriage enrichment is not therapy or counseling. Rather it is educational and learning exercises in better communication skills.
Communities across the country are beginning to realize the need for education in marriage and family relationships. Churches, civic groups and schools are providing classes and seminars for couples and parents to learn the importance of family and to learn skills to stay connected. 3.
There are many resources available to help organize programs for marriage enrichment.
This workshop, conducted within a church setting, was guided by discussions and exercises found in the book: The Marriage Mender: A Couple's Guide to Staying Together. 4.
Thoughtful popular songs were used throughout the program.
======================================================
A Workshop for Marriage Enrichment:
HOW'S THE WEATHER INSIDE? GETTING TO SUNSHINE THROUGH THE STORM.
Every marriage has many storms to weather as life progresses and changes. Marriage enrichment activities develop skills in affirming each other, conflict resolution and communication.
9:00 Opening Session/ Introduction'
Song: Singin'in the Rain -"I'm laughing at clouds so dark up above.
The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for love."5.
9:30 Workshop I - Charting the Storms and Clouds / Rainbows and Sunshine
Song: Suddenly There's a Valley - "When a storm hides the distant rainbow, and you think you can't find a friend" 6.
10:45 Break
11:00 Workshop II - Calming the Storm - Conflict Resolution Skills
Song: You'll Never Walk Alone - "When you walk through a storm hold your head up high". 7.
12:15 Lunch
1:15 Workshop III. Seeing Through the Clouds - Clear Communication
Song: Sing a Rainbow -"Listen with your eyes and sing everything you see." 8.
2:30 Break
2:45 Workshop IV - Rainbows and Sunshine - Creating Intimacy
3:45 Concluding Thoughts
======================================================
WORKSHOP I. CHARTING THE STORMS AND CLOUDS / RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE
(The Marriage Mender - Chapters one and two)
Couple exercise.
Each person, anonymously, makes a list of 3 serious problems and 3 valuable assets in their marital relationship. The lists are turned in and written on overhead charts for future discussion and reference. This exercise helps husbands and wives realize that many of their experiences are common to other couples.
Expectations
We enter marriage with many myths about what marriage should be: 'my mate will always love me, share my values, and understand my feelings and needs'.
Then we wake up to discover, "I didn't marry myself!"
Our problems come from 3 areas of differences:
* opposites attract
* men and women are different
* each partner comes from a different family-of-origen.
Unrealistic expectations can lead to resentment and anger unless they are realistically examined and discussed.
Three inevitable stages of love and marriage:
Infatuation - Negotiation- Mature Love
Romance and infatuation
This is a wonderful period in a relationship. It allows for the bonding and attachment necessary for a marriage to take place. A feeling of 'US' pervades.
TV, movies, music, and romance novels deceive us into thinking that love will always be exciting and unconditional.
Romance is a transient stage that we move through into the stage of negotiation.
Negotiation
This stage occurs when the partners realize that they are not getting all their needs met. A feeling of 'ME' occurs when expectations are shattered and energized conflict develops. A committed process of communication, listening, compromise and forgiveness is required to work through the differences.
Without a concerted effort to understand and grow together, destructive patterns lead to stalemate, boredom, and autonomy, or separation and divorce.
Mature Love
Mature love requires the commitment to appreciate each other's uniqueness, to communicate, and be flexible enough to meet each other's needs. The feeling of 'US' returns as each partner accepts the responsibility to honor and appreciate differences and work through the give and take of daily activities.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WORKSHOP II - CALMING THE STORM - CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS
(The Marriage Mender. Chapters four and eight)
Accepting Conflict
Couples don't fight because they don't like each other, but because they do.
Conflict is natural. If people live together, they will experience conflict.
We are each made differently. Each family member has a built-in need to protect their uniqueness.
Conflicts arise out of personal values, beliefs, and needs.
Conflict is something to be resolved, not something to be avoided.
Conflict in families is an opportunity to recognize each other's needs and uniqueness and to celebrate differences.
Conflict is an opportunity to grow closer together.
Making your marriage and family a place of safety
We are created with a defense system to protect us from danger. This doesn't always help us form intimate relationships.
When conflict occurs in marriage, there is fear... of being emotionally wounded, of losing our mate, of our weaknesses being exposed.
You fight because you don't feel safe. When you and your spouse hiss at each other like threatened animals, you must lessen the threat.
What does safety look like?
It starts with respect...partners take time to listen, understand and respond.
Partners are there for each other.
Solutions
Decide to disarm.
Write it down and contract to being a safer partner.
Open closed hearts and minds to each others needs.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WORKSHOP III. SEEING THROUGH THE CLOUDS - CLEAR COMMUNICATION
(The Marriage Mender - Chapters five and six)
Words have power. Choose them carefully.
Words can hurt, injure, anger and alienate or they can heal, help, comfort and soothe.
"We are always communicating. It is impossible not to communicate... The irritable look, the silence, the lack of touch - all of these communicate".
Anger
Anger keeps many couples from expressing feelings. Anger is a shield for other emotions we don't know how to express, such as hurt, fear, sadness or tiredness.
Active Listening
We cannot overestimate the need that people have to be truly listened to. We all need to feel that we are heard, without being judged or criticized.
Active listening involves context and content.
Context includes paying attention to the message conveyed by nonverbal signals: body language, facial expression, voice tone, and inflection. (This requires putting down the newspaper or turning away from the television.)
Content requires reflection on the meaning of what was said.
Restatement
Effective listening involves restating to the person your understanding of what you heard. Restatement allows a person to feel that he or she has been heard.
The B-E-A-R method. An exercise for couples
Choose a recent event that caused you to experience some emotion toward your spouse and complete the four components.
B - (Behavior) Describe the behavior
E - (Emotion) Describe the feeling you had about the behavior.
A - (Alternative) Describe an alternative behavior you would have preferred.
R - (Result) Describe the consequence resulting from your requested alternative.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WORKSHOP IV - RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE - CREATING INTIMACY
(The Marriage Mender - Chapters eight, nine and ten)
Develop habits in your marriage to learn effective conflict resolution skills.
Win-win situations- Find ways in which both of you can win each conflict.
De-escalate -When conflicts arise agree on a gesture indicating that a timeout is needed. The person calling timeout is responsible for making a return appointment to continue the discussion.
Accentuate the positive - Research shows that it takes 5 or more positive compliments to overcome a negative. Compliment your spouse on what he or she is doing right. Do it often.
Use what works - Make a list of ways that have worked in the past to overcome conflicts.
Stop doing what doesn't work - Don't continue 'the same old song and dance' if it isn't working. Try a new dance step.
Keep the big picture in mind - Keep a realistic view of where you have been and where you are headed and the good things about your relationship. Write them down.
It takes time - Encourage each other as you develop new skills.
Pursue forgiveness
Forgiveness - takes a spirit of humility,
- requires hard work
- needs time
- requires an open spirit
- is a continuing process.
CELEBRATE!
Go out to dinner, take a mini-vacation, make love - find some way to recognize your successes in relationships.
=======================
References
1. Social Problems for the Twenty-First Century. J. John Palen. McGraw Hill.
2001:278
2. Mace, David. Building Better Marriages. Association for Couples in
Marriage Enrichment. March-April 2003. Vol. 32. No 2. pg.1.
3. *McManus, Mike. Marriage Savers. www.marriagesavers.org.
*Baumgarnder, Julie. "Marriage First: How a city restored families".Focus on the
Family. August 2006. pgs 16-17.
4. Whiteman, Ph.D., Thomas A. and Thomas G. Bartlett, Ph.D. The Marriage Mender:
A Couple's Guide for Staying Together. 1996. Navpress.
5. Singin' In The Rain. 1929. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer,Inc. Lyrics by Arthur
Freed. Music by Nacio Herb Brown.
6. Suddenly There's a Valley.1955.Warman Music.by Chuck Meyer & Biff Jones.
7. You'll Never Walk Alone. MCMXLV. Williamson Music, Inc. Words by Oscar
Hammerstein. Music by Richards Rodgers.
8. Sing a Rainbow. 1955. Mark VII Music. Words and Music by Arthur
Hamilton.
"America has the highest rate of marriage of any industrialized nation...(and) the highest divorce rate in the world. Most of the world views the American pattern of marriage and divorce not as a model to be copied but as a disaster to be avoided."1.
David Mace, the founder of the Organization for Couples in Marriage Enrichment, stated, "I believe we must find ways to kindle new hope in them that their marriages can really be much more satisfying and rewarding." 2. Marriage enrichment is not therapy or counseling. Rather it is educational and learning exercises in better communication skills.
Communities across the country are beginning to realize the need for education in marriage and family relationships. Churches, civic groups and schools are providing classes and seminars for couples and parents to learn the importance of family and to learn skills to stay connected. 3.
There are many resources available to help organize programs for marriage enrichment.
This workshop, conducted within a church setting, was guided by discussions and exercises found in the book: The Marriage Mender: A Couple's Guide to Staying Together. 4.
Thoughtful popular songs were used throughout the program.
======================================================
A Workshop for Marriage Enrichment:
HOW'S THE WEATHER INSIDE? GETTING TO SUNSHINE THROUGH THE STORM.
Every marriage has many storms to weather as life progresses and changes. Marriage enrichment activities develop skills in affirming each other, conflict resolution and communication.
9:00 Opening Session/ Introduction'
Song: Singin'in the Rain -"I'm laughing at clouds so dark up above.
The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for love."5.
9:30 Workshop I - Charting the Storms and Clouds / Rainbows and Sunshine
Song: Suddenly There's a Valley - "When a storm hides the distant rainbow, and you think you can't find a friend" 6.
10:45 Break
11:00 Workshop II - Calming the Storm - Conflict Resolution Skills
Song: You'll Never Walk Alone - "When you walk through a storm hold your head up high". 7.
12:15 Lunch
1:15 Workshop III. Seeing Through the Clouds - Clear Communication
Song: Sing a Rainbow -"Listen with your eyes and sing everything you see." 8.
2:30 Break
2:45 Workshop IV - Rainbows and Sunshine - Creating Intimacy
3:45 Concluding Thoughts
======================================================
WORKSHOP I. CHARTING THE STORMS AND CLOUDS / RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE
(The Marriage Mender - Chapters one and two)
Couple exercise.
Each person, anonymously, makes a list of 3 serious problems and 3 valuable assets in their marital relationship. The lists are turned in and written on overhead charts for future discussion and reference. This exercise helps husbands and wives realize that many of their experiences are common to other couples.
Expectations
We enter marriage with many myths about what marriage should be: 'my mate will always love me, share my values, and understand my feelings and needs'.
Then we wake up to discover, "I didn't marry myself!"
Our problems come from 3 areas of differences:
* opposites attract
* men and women are different
* each partner comes from a different family-of-origen.
Unrealistic expectations can lead to resentment and anger unless they are realistically examined and discussed.
Three inevitable stages of love and marriage:
Infatuation - Negotiation- Mature Love
Romance and infatuation
This is a wonderful period in a relationship. It allows for the bonding and attachment necessary for a marriage to take place. A feeling of 'US' pervades.
TV, movies, music, and romance novels deceive us into thinking that love will always be exciting and unconditional.
Romance is a transient stage that we move through into the stage of negotiation.
Negotiation
This stage occurs when the partners realize that they are not getting all their needs met. A feeling of 'ME' occurs when expectations are shattered and energized conflict develops. A committed process of communication, listening, compromise and forgiveness is required to work through the differences.
Without a concerted effort to understand and grow together, destructive patterns lead to stalemate, boredom, and autonomy, or separation and divorce.
Mature Love
Mature love requires the commitment to appreciate each other's uniqueness, to communicate, and be flexible enough to meet each other's needs. The feeling of 'US' returns as each partner accepts the responsibility to honor and appreciate differences and work through the give and take of daily activities.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WORKSHOP II - CALMING THE STORM - CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS
(The Marriage Mender. Chapters four and eight)
Accepting Conflict
Couples don't fight because they don't like each other, but because they do.
Conflict is natural. If people live together, they will experience conflict.
We are each made differently. Each family member has a built-in need to protect their uniqueness.
Conflicts arise out of personal values, beliefs, and needs.
Conflict is something to be resolved, not something to be avoided.
Conflict in families is an opportunity to recognize each other's needs and uniqueness and to celebrate differences.
Conflict is an opportunity to grow closer together.
Making your marriage and family a place of safety
We are created with a defense system to protect us from danger. This doesn't always help us form intimate relationships.
When conflict occurs in marriage, there is fear... of being emotionally wounded, of losing our mate, of our weaknesses being exposed.
You fight because you don't feel safe. When you and your spouse hiss at each other like threatened animals, you must lessen the threat.
What does safety look like?
It starts with respect...partners take time to listen, understand and respond.
Partners are there for each other.
Solutions
Decide to disarm.
Write it down and contract to being a safer partner.
Open closed hearts and minds to each others needs.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WORKSHOP III. SEEING THROUGH THE CLOUDS - CLEAR COMMUNICATION
(The Marriage Mender - Chapters five and six)
Words have power. Choose them carefully.
Words can hurt, injure, anger and alienate or they can heal, help, comfort and soothe.
"We are always communicating. It is impossible not to communicate... The irritable look, the silence, the lack of touch - all of these communicate".
Anger
Anger keeps many couples from expressing feelings. Anger is a shield for other emotions we don't know how to express, such as hurt, fear, sadness or tiredness.
Active Listening
We cannot overestimate the need that people have to be truly listened to. We all need to feel that we are heard, without being judged or criticized.
Active listening involves context and content.
Context includes paying attention to the message conveyed by nonverbal signals: body language, facial expression, voice tone, and inflection. (This requires putting down the newspaper or turning away from the television.)
Content requires reflection on the meaning of what was said.
Restatement
Effective listening involves restating to the person your understanding of what you heard. Restatement allows a person to feel that he or she has been heard.
The B-E-A-R method. An exercise for couples
Choose a recent event that caused you to experience some emotion toward your spouse and complete the four components.
B - (Behavior) Describe the behavior
E - (Emotion) Describe the feeling you had about the behavior.
A - (Alternative) Describe an alternative behavior you would have preferred.
R - (Result) Describe the consequence resulting from your requested alternative.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WORKSHOP IV - RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE - CREATING INTIMACY
(The Marriage Mender - Chapters eight, nine and ten)
Develop habits in your marriage to learn effective conflict resolution skills.
Win-win situations- Find ways in which both of you can win each conflict.
De-escalate -When conflicts arise agree on a gesture indicating that a timeout is needed. The person calling timeout is responsible for making a return appointment to continue the discussion.
Accentuate the positive - Research shows that it takes 5 or more positive compliments to overcome a negative. Compliment your spouse on what he or she is doing right. Do it often.
Use what works - Make a list of ways that have worked in the past to overcome conflicts.
Stop doing what doesn't work - Don't continue 'the same old song and dance' if it isn't working. Try a new dance step.
Keep the big picture in mind - Keep a realistic view of where you have been and where you are headed and the good things about your relationship. Write them down.
It takes time - Encourage each other as you develop new skills.
Pursue forgiveness
Forgiveness - takes a spirit of humility,
- requires hard work
- needs time
- requires an open spirit
- is a continuing process.
CELEBRATE!
Go out to dinner, take a mini-vacation, make love - find some way to recognize your successes in relationships.
=======================
References
1. Social Problems for the Twenty-First Century. J. John Palen. McGraw Hill.
2001:278
2. Mace, David. Building Better Marriages. Association for Couples in
Marriage Enrichment. March-April 2003. Vol. 32. No 2. pg.1.
3. *McManus, Mike. Marriage Savers. www.marriagesavers.org.
*Baumgarnder, Julie. "Marriage First: How a city restored families".Focus on the
Family. August 2006. pgs 16-17.
4. Whiteman, Ph.D., Thomas A. and Thomas G. Bartlett, Ph.D. The Marriage Mender:
A Couple's Guide for Staying Together. 1996. Navpress.
5. Singin' In The Rain. 1929. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer,Inc. Lyrics by Arthur
Freed. Music by Nacio Herb Brown.
6. Suddenly There's a Valley.1955.Warman Music.by Chuck Meyer & Biff Jones.
7. You'll Never Walk Alone. MCMXLV. Williamson Music, Inc. Words by Oscar
Hammerstein. Music by Richards Rodgers.
8. Sing a Rainbow. 1955. Mark VII Music. Words and Music by Arthur
Hamilton.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
It Pays to Enrich Your Marriage and Family!
We're losing it!
Too many of us have already lost it!
As our homes and families dissolve in angry confrontations and/or divorce, we're
losing too much of value.
I'm out of here!
The development of no-fault divorce laws in the 1970's made it easy to end a marriage. Increasingly, people found it easier to leave a marriage than to work through even natural and normal problems of family disagreement. Divorce often, even usually, leaves one partner feeling betrayed and the children feeling rejected and deserted.
Don't lose it!
The majority of Americans continues to find their greatest sources of nurture, support, and meaning within their family experiences. Strong marriages build a strong foundation for parenting children.
LET'S INVEST IN MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT.1.
Today's marriages must be held together from the inside - by the actions of the partners themselves.
Marriages have to be strong enough to withstand the stress and lifetime of changes that occur during adulthood.
In addition, most couples have high expectations for their marriages. They expect joy and fulfillment - not just survival.
Excellent marriages do not just happen.
It's a decision to 'make our love last'.
Marriage enrichment is the process of making marriage better, happier and more satisfying. Marriage enrichment activities develop skills in affirming each other, conflict resolution and caring communication.
Learning to Love!
Marriage enrichment is different from marriage counseling or therapy. It's an educational learning process. By taking a growth and educational approach rather than treatment, marriage enrichment can benefit any couple.
An excellent source for information on programs and processes of marriage enrichment can be found at www.bettermarriages.org. This is the website of the Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment.
Check it out!
Marriage enrichment is the best investment you can make for yourself, your future, your children, and your family!.
1. "Building Better Marriages." Brochure of ACME. Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment. Winston Salem, NC. www.bettermarriages.org.
Too many of us have already lost it!
As our homes and families dissolve in angry confrontations and/or divorce, we're
losing too much of value.
I'm out of here!
The development of no-fault divorce laws in the 1970's made it easy to end a marriage. Increasingly, people found it easier to leave a marriage than to work through even natural and normal problems of family disagreement. Divorce often, even usually, leaves one partner feeling betrayed and the children feeling rejected and deserted.
Don't lose it!
The majority of Americans continues to find their greatest sources of nurture, support, and meaning within their family experiences. Strong marriages build a strong foundation for parenting children.
LET'S INVEST IN MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT.1.
Today's marriages must be held together from the inside - by the actions of the partners themselves.
Marriages have to be strong enough to withstand the stress and lifetime of changes that occur during adulthood.
In addition, most couples have high expectations for their marriages. They expect joy and fulfillment - not just survival.
Excellent marriages do not just happen.
It's a decision to 'make our love last'.
Marriage enrichment is the process of making marriage better, happier and more satisfying. Marriage enrichment activities develop skills in affirming each other, conflict resolution and caring communication.
Learning to Love!
Marriage enrichment is different from marriage counseling or therapy. It's an educational learning process. By taking a growth and educational approach rather than treatment, marriage enrichment can benefit any couple.
An excellent source for information on programs and processes of marriage enrichment can be found at www.bettermarriages.org. This is the website of the Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment.
Check it out!
Marriage enrichment is the best investment you can make for yourself, your future, your children, and your family!.
1. "Building Better Marriages." Brochure of ACME. Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment. Winston Salem, NC. www.bettermarriages.org.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
The High Cost of Marriage Breakdown in America
The breakdown of marriage in America has become our most critical social problem.
Since the beginning of recorded history, marriage has been a universal human institution. Marriage creates kinship obligations, resource pooling, and the reproduction of children, families and society. Marriage offers an expectation of sexual fidelity and lifelong commitment which supports happier, healthier and less violent relationships. 1.
Over the last 40 years we have moved away from support and expectation of marriage in America. Divorce, out-of-wedlock childbearing, and co-habiting have become normalized as alternative lifestyles.
A report released in 2005 entitled, Why Marriage Matters, Second Edition: Twenty-Six Conclusions from the Social Sciences states, "In 1960, more than 67percent of adults were married, whereas today fewer than 56 percent are married...These trends are even more dramatic in minority and lower income communities." 2.
Increases in divorce, single-parent families and children born out-of-wedlock are creating expensive personal and social tragedies as commitment to family as a social institution is replaced by self-orientation.
COST TO TAXPAYERS - $112 BILLION A YEAR
On April 15th, 2008 a landmark scholarly study was released entitled The Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing: First-ever Estimates for the Nation and All 50 States. This report quantifies a minimum $112 billion annual taxpayer cost from high rates of divorce and unmarried childbearing. 3.
Ben Scafidi,Ph.D., the principle investigator of the study and economics professor at Georgia College & State University states, "These costs are due to increased taxpayer expenditures for anti-poverty, criminal justice and education programs, and through lower levels of taxes paid by individuals whose adult productivity has been negatively affected..."
Dr. David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values, notes, "Even a small improvement in the health of marriage in America would result in enormous savings...a 1 percent reduction in rates of family fragmentation would save taxpayers $1.1 billion."
DIVORCE
Divorce was once considered a last resort. It is now viewed as a liberating even creative experience, a means of finding oneself. However, we've seriously underestimated the long-term impact of divorce on children.
By almost every measure, children of divorce fare worse than their peers in intact families. The supportive network of family and friends is shattered. 4.
Millions of Americans have experienced the tragedies of divorce.
BORN OUT-OF-WEDLOCK
In 1960, 5 percent of children were born out-of-wedlock. In 2005, 34 percent of children were born outside of marriage. 5.
More and more American children are growing up with little experience of married life and little confidence that they could or want to be in satisfying marriage relationships.
WHERE'S DAD?
On June 15th (2008), many Americans honored their fathers on Father's Day. Fatherhood privileges children by providing physical protection, material resources, paternal cultural transmission, and day-to-day nurturing. 6.
However, 40 percent of children now live in a home without a father present. Men are increasingly leaving or being left out of family relationships. Fatherhood, the most socializing and civilizing role for men, is now often defined as a check in the mail, a weekend visit, or 'no dad at all'. This is a tragedy for both the fathers and the children.
Married men have lower rates of alcohol consumption and drug use, longer life expectancy, better health, and lower rates of injury, illness and disability. 7.
CONCLUSIONS FROM SOCIAL RESEARCH 8.
Research underscores time and again that one man and one woman joining together in a
permanent loving union is the best environment for raising healthy productive children.
The two parent home is a strong predictor of who will escape poverty.
Increases in child poverty since 1970 can be attributed to divorce and non-marital childbearing. (pg.19)
Cohabiting unions are much less stable than married unions. Cohabiting parents spend, on average, more income on alcohol and tobacco. (pg 13)
Children of unwed parents are more likely to have lower grades and to drop out of high school. (pg.22)
Children of divorced parents have higher rates of psychological distress, mental illness and increased rates of suicide. (pg 27)
Single or cohabiting mothers have higher rates of depression. Single mothers are overburdened by parenting alone. Cohabiting mothers are less confident that their relationship will last. (pg. 28)
Boys raised in single-parent families are more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal behaviors. (pg. 29)
Children not living with their two married parents are at greater risk for child abuse. (pg. 31)
MARRIAGE MATTERS
Marriage is more than a personal decision or an emotional relationship. Leading scholars from across the human sciences and across political perspectives who make up the Institute for American Values concur that "a healthy marriage culture is clearly a matter of legitimate public concern". In their report, Marriage Matters, they outline three fundamental conclusions. 9.
1. Marriage is an important social good, associated with...positive
outcomes for children and adults alike.
2. Marriage is an important public good, associated with a range
of economic, health, educational, and safety benefits...
3. The benefits of marriage extend to poor and minority communities,
even though marriage is fragile there.
A VISION FOR MARRIAGE RENEWAL
The weakening of marriage as an institution has been a fundamental factor contributing to the deteriorating well-being of adults and children and to an increase in poverty, especially for women and children.
As a society we need to move into a pro-active direction toward marriage support, marriage enrichment and family nurture. Joining hands, we can create a vision to strenthen and nurture family relationships, build stronger marriages and equip parents to raise their children surrounded by enduring love and support.
Let's start today!
We can do this!
YES WE CAN!
REFERENCES:
1. Institute for American Values. Why Marriage Matters, Second Edition: Twenty-six
Conclusions from the Social Sciences. New York, NY. 2005:pg. 15. www.americanvalues.org.
2. Ibid. pg. 5.
3. Weber, Sheila, Director of Communication, Institute for American Values.
"Marriage Breakdown Cost Taxpayers at Least $112 Billion a Year". April 15,
2008. Sheila@americanvalues.org.
4. "Divorce: The Pain That Doesn't Go Away". Family Voice. July/August, 2001, pg 1.
5. Institute for American Values. pg. 5.
6. Blankenhorn, David. Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social
Problem. NY: Harper Perennial. 1996.
7. Institute for American Values. pgs. 24-25.
8. Institute for American Values. Why Marriage Matters...
9. Institute for American Values. pg. 9.
Since the beginning of recorded history, marriage has been a universal human institution. Marriage creates kinship obligations, resource pooling, and the reproduction of children, families and society. Marriage offers an expectation of sexual fidelity and lifelong commitment which supports happier, healthier and less violent relationships. 1.
Over the last 40 years we have moved away from support and expectation of marriage in America. Divorce, out-of-wedlock childbearing, and co-habiting have become normalized as alternative lifestyles.
A report released in 2005 entitled, Why Marriage Matters, Second Edition: Twenty-Six Conclusions from the Social Sciences states, "In 1960, more than 67percent of adults were married, whereas today fewer than 56 percent are married...These trends are even more dramatic in minority and lower income communities." 2.
Increases in divorce, single-parent families and children born out-of-wedlock are creating expensive personal and social tragedies as commitment to family as a social institution is replaced by self-orientation.
COST TO TAXPAYERS - $112 BILLION A YEAR
On April 15th, 2008 a landmark scholarly study was released entitled The Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing: First-ever Estimates for the Nation and All 50 States. This report quantifies a minimum $112 billion annual taxpayer cost from high rates of divorce and unmarried childbearing. 3.
Ben Scafidi,Ph.D., the principle investigator of the study and economics professor at Georgia College & State University states, "These costs are due to increased taxpayer expenditures for anti-poverty, criminal justice and education programs, and through lower levels of taxes paid by individuals whose adult productivity has been negatively affected..."
Dr. David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values, notes, "Even a small improvement in the health of marriage in America would result in enormous savings...a 1 percent reduction in rates of family fragmentation would save taxpayers $1.1 billion."
DIVORCE
Divorce was once considered a last resort. It is now viewed as a liberating even creative experience, a means of finding oneself. However, we've seriously underestimated the long-term impact of divorce on children.
By almost every measure, children of divorce fare worse than their peers in intact families. The supportive network of family and friends is shattered. 4.
Millions of Americans have experienced the tragedies of divorce.
BORN OUT-OF-WEDLOCK
In 1960, 5 percent of children were born out-of-wedlock. In 2005, 34 percent of children were born outside of marriage. 5.
More and more American children are growing up with little experience of married life and little confidence that they could or want to be in satisfying marriage relationships.
WHERE'S DAD?
On June 15th (2008), many Americans honored their fathers on Father's Day. Fatherhood privileges children by providing physical protection, material resources, paternal cultural transmission, and day-to-day nurturing. 6.
However, 40 percent of children now live in a home without a father present. Men are increasingly leaving or being left out of family relationships. Fatherhood, the most socializing and civilizing role for men, is now often defined as a check in the mail, a weekend visit, or 'no dad at all'. This is a tragedy for both the fathers and the children.
Married men have lower rates of alcohol consumption and drug use, longer life expectancy, better health, and lower rates of injury, illness and disability. 7.
CONCLUSIONS FROM SOCIAL RESEARCH 8.
Research underscores time and again that one man and one woman joining together in a
permanent loving union is the best environment for raising healthy productive children.
The two parent home is a strong predictor of who will escape poverty.
Increases in child poverty since 1970 can be attributed to divorce and non-marital childbearing. (pg.19)
Cohabiting unions are much less stable than married unions. Cohabiting parents spend, on average, more income on alcohol and tobacco. (pg 13)
Children of unwed parents are more likely to have lower grades and to drop out of high school. (pg.22)
Children of divorced parents have higher rates of psychological distress, mental illness and increased rates of suicide. (pg 27)
Single or cohabiting mothers have higher rates of depression. Single mothers are overburdened by parenting alone. Cohabiting mothers are less confident that their relationship will last. (pg. 28)
Boys raised in single-parent families are more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal behaviors. (pg. 29)
Children not living with their two married parents are at greater risk for child abuse. (pg. 31)
MARRIAGE MATTERS
Marriage is more than a personal decision or an emotional relationship. Leading scholars from across the human sciences and across political perspectives who make up the Institute for American Values concur that "a healthy marriage culture is clearly a matter of legitimate public concern". In their report, Marriage Matters, they outline three fundamental conclusions. 9.
1. Marriage is an important social good, associated with...positive
outcomes for children and adults alike.
2. Marriage is an important public good, associated with a range
of economic, health, educational, and safety benefits...
3. The benefits of marriage extend to poor and minority communities,
even though marriage is fragile there.
A VISION FOR MARRIAGE RENEWAL
The weakening of marriage as an institution has been a fundamental factor contributing to the deteriorating well-being of adults and children and to an increase in poverty, especially for women and children.
As a society we need to move into a pro-active direction toward marriage support, marriage enrichment and family nurture. Joining hands, we can create a vision to strenthen and nurture family relationships, build stronger marriages and equip parents to raise their children surrounded by enduring love and support.
Let's start today!
We can do this!
YES WE CAN!
REFERENCES:
1. Institute for American Values. Why Marriage Matters, Second Edition: Twenty-six
Conclusions from the Social Sciences. New York, NY. 2005:pg. 15. www.americanvalues.org.
2. Ibid. pg. 5.
3. Weber, Sheila, Director of Communication, Institute for American Values.
"Marriage Breakdown Cost Taxpayers at Least $112 Billion a Year". April 15,
2008. Sheila@americanvalues.org.
4. "Divorce: The Pain That Doesn't Go Away". Family Voice. July/August, 2001, pg 1.
5. Institute for American Values. pg. 5.
6. Blankenhorn, David. Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social
Problem. NY: Harper Perennial. 1996.
7. Institute for American Values. pgs. 24-25.
8. Institute for American Values. Why Marriage Matters...
9. Institute for American Values. pg. 9.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
A Father's Day Tribute
My Dad (Weston Andrew Hare) would have enjoyed blogging. He liked to write down his musings and observations and share them with his family.
When he was 60, he and Mom (Elizabeth) retired to the old family house in Massachusetts, surrounded by stone wall fences, white birch trees, TALL pine and maple trees, and a pristine lake at the foot of the hills.
The following notes are selections from his "Gnome Gnotebook". He claimed to be 25% Irish, and Elves and Gnomes were often part of his stories.
UNCUT DIAMONDS
The first year I came here (1969) there were very many four-leaf clovers all around the place, it seemed to me.
Also I found in the lower garden a very nice Indian arrow head right on top of the garden. I still find some four leaf clovers, as I always have, but not that many, and I have found no more arrow heads, nor gold nuggets, nor uncut diamonds; tho' I look for them.
LEAF BOUNCERS
If you see a bunch of leaves bouncing like they had cricket legs, look carefully and you'll see a fox sparrow in the middle "kicking it up" as fox sparrows do.
RATS VERSUS SQUIRRELS
The rat has a very bad public image.
But squirrels are quite nice - cute - interesting and also good looking. They have, as far as I am concerned, a very good public image.
Yet squirrels and rats are both rodents - cousins you might say. Why the difference?
A rat is an 'orc' in the domain of the dark lord and has the characteristic of such.
A squirrel is like a 'hobbit' and in the domain of light. Why don't squirrels inhabit city slums, dumps, etc. and become wicked?
It's just not in their nature to do so, that's all.
AND BIRDS
People like birds. Of course people like birds. They are the residuum of the once great and benevolent race of Elves whose greatness has departed. But the echo of their benevolence remains in the songs, the bright color and general amiability of birds.
A tree full of blackbirds sounds a lot like water dropping into a hundred buckets. A bush full of sparrows also sounds pleasant - a 'bush of twitters'.
It would be interesting to make a record by superimposing many different bird calls repeated at random intervals so that a great medley of sound resulted.
(the tuning-up of the birds)
NATURE EMPATHY
To enjoy the course leading to a degree of Doctor of Nature one needs a 'degree' of Nature Empathy.
I seem to be accepted by the other inhabitants of the place to a certain extent. In the spring, twice a chickadee landed on my hand to get a sunflower seed. Moreover, the house sparrows (English Sparrows) out back scold me if I fail to throw them some seeds.
Then yesterday I was dumping some pulled weeds on the compost pile when I felt a thump on my back. It was a chipmunk using my back as a halfway point between the tree and the ground. He was a little embarrassed by his audacity and looked back at me with a SQUEEK as he dashed into a hole in the pile of leaves.
PRETTY THINGS
There are numerous pretty things in the world.
* The monarch chrysalis is certainly one.
* So are Japanese beetles. They may be bad, but here they feed mostly on the sterile grape vines along the wall. So I honor them for their beauty - black and iridescent.
* Bluegills are also very pretty to look at.
There are man-made things also that should be mentioned.
(1) The 'last drop' on the Maxwell House coffee label used to be a real gem of art. I bet it has been redesigned and lost. But the drop used to be colored brown with a little highlight of white with a slightly displaced miniscule red dot. It should have won a prize.
(2) The 5-pack of 'Maestro' cigars of Garcia y Vega has another example of a detail of real art. The name 'Maestro' is in green with a gold edge to the green which is best seen by changing the viewing angle when the green and gold make a most pleasing color combination, so I award the 2nd prize to the Garcia y Vega cigar box.
(Smoking cigars was Dad's only vice so he had a collection of cigar boxes in which he stored interesting things; such as bird feathers, shells, colored stones, stamps, pictures of grandchildren, etc.)
MONARCH BUTTERFLIES
There are a lot of Monarch butterflies this year. Maybe that is why I found a beautiful little chrysalis out in the garden which turned out to be the magic transformation case of a Monarch butterfly. It was a long time since I had considered these items.
This chrysalis was a blue-green waxy case that looked like plastic. It was decorated with a delicately made design of gold dots. Very elegantly made.
I put it away in a jar with grass and in a couple of days (our daughter-in-law) Anita noticed the butterfly coming out. I took pictures of the same and put it out on the Zinnia stalks to dry. The next day we saw it fly away.
No wonder they call these butterflies 'Monarch' since they are transformed in a royal gold-decorated case. I understand all these Monarch butterflies migrate south in the winter.
"So long, your majesties!"
DORMICE
I have heard of dormice through the years (e.g. Alice in Wonderland) but actually only encountered them after retiring to Oxford.
Dormouse means 'sleeping mouse' and refers also to the sleeping quarters they build to sleep in during the cold winter.
I found the first one in the lower garden as I was cleaning up the garden. There was a round ball of woven grass 3" or so in diameter, maybe 1/2" thick, with a sleeping mouse curled up tight inside. There was no hole in the ball. I left him sleeping in the ball. It was about time to awaken, I supposed.
In the fall of the year I found another one, not yet in use but well made with a hole left on the ball maybe 1/2" in diameter. Clearly the mouse if he later went in wove up the hole from the inside.
PIGEONS AND JAYS
I was watching the birds eating seeds out back when a blue jay and a mourning dove flew down to the same seed and bumped into one another.
I heard the blue jay say "Stupid pigeon! Why don't you look where you are going?"
The dove said "Peace! Brother" and waddled away, and the blue jay flew back up onto a branch.
THE FROG VISITOR
Tonight it is raining. I opened the porch door and a frog, sitting on the top step hopped right into the porch and then into the kitchen. I picked him up and told Elizabeth if she would kiss him, he might turn into a Prince. But she would not. So we let him out.
HOW TO LICK A PROBLEM
If you have a new problem, one in which you are in some degree familiar (i.e. not, for instance, like calling up the dead or moving a mountain into the sea), The First Rule must be: Don't Show Fear.
A problem knows when you're afraid of it, and fights twice as hard.
Not only that. All the little demons which are sitting around, and which are not, of themselves antagonists-to-the-solution of the problem, will reuse the fear and will start making trouble for you in their own domains.
All sorts of things can happen. You may stumble over your shadow, leave your keys in a locked house, stall your car and flood it, sit on the McDonald apple tart you have in your pocket, etc., etc.
Normally you would not do any of these things, but your fear has roused many psychic opponents! SO BE CALM, COOL, COLLECTED!
BITS OF WISDOM
The reason wise sayings are so concise: "Better late than never" etc., is because wise men are unable to gain the attention of people for more lengthy discourses.
Beware of those who say the plural of 'person' is 'people'. It is better to say 'persons' and preserve our integrity as individuals. Those who think of trees as timber plan to cut them down.
Beware of molehills. They may be mountains in disguise.
Remember, O Man, what you tolerate, you teach.
The government is a gigantic institution which hires James and John to rob Peter to pay Paul.
A bigot is one whose well-considered principles differ from your own.
I saw in the paper, "A mandate does not depend upon the size of the vote, but on the man himself." In other words, a mandate is when a man (thinks he)has a date with destiny.
It may follow the spirit of the law, but there is not a ghost of a chance that it follows the letter of the law.
LOSS OF AUTHORITY
(Written after I returned from the hospital after my long combat with hyperthyroidism.) I see I've lost a lot of authority since I got sick. Some of my previously obedient servants have deserted me. Specifically, I used to command 210# of gravity. When I jumped on a bale of wire to flatten it, all 210# were there.
But now 50 or so of my servants have left and only 160# still serve me.
My shadow also is diminished, which worries me some, considering the importance of a substantial shadow.
-----------------------
Dad lived to be 89. The last 8 years were struggles with Alzheimers disease.
Your shadow, Dad, remains substantial with those who loved and knew you.
When he was 60, he and Mom (Elizabeth) retired to the old family house in Massachusetts, surrounded by stone wall fences, white birch trees, TALL pine and maple trees, and a pristine lake at the foot of the hills.
The following notes are selections from his "Gnome Gnotebook". He claimed to be 25% Irish, and Elves and Gnomes were often part of his stories.
UNCUT DIAMONDS
The first year I came here (1969) there were very many four-leaf clovers all around the place, it seemed to me.
Also I found in the lower garden a very nice Indian arrow head right on top of the garden. I still find some four leaf clovers, as I always have, but not that many, and I have found no more arrow heads, nor gold nuggets, nor uncut diamonds; tho' I look for them.
LEAF BOUNCERS
If you see a bunch of leaves bouncing like they had cricket legs, look carefully and you'll see a fox sparrow in the middle "kicking it up" as fox sparrows do.
RATS VERSUS SQUIRRELS
The rat has a very bad public image.
But squirrels are quite nice - cute - interesting and also good looking. They have, as far as I am concerned, a very good public image.
Yet squirrels and rats are both rodents - cousins you might say. Why the difference?
A rat is an 'orc' in the domain of the dark lord and has the characteristic of such.
A squirrel is like a 'hobbit' and in the domain of light. Why don't squirrels inhabit city slums, dumps, etc. and become wicked?
It's just not in their nature to do so, that's all.
AND BIRDS
People like birds. Of course people like birds. They are the residuum of the once great and benevolent race of Elves whose greatness has departed. But the echo of their benevolence remains in the songs, the bright color and general amiability of birds.
A tree full of blackbirds sounds a lot like water dropping into a hundred buckets. A bush full of sparrows also sounds pleasant - a 'bush of twitters'.
It would be interesting to make a record by superimposing many different bird calls repeated at random intervals so that a great medley of sound resulted.
(the tuning-up of the birds)
NATURE EMPATHY
To enjoy the course leading to a degree of Doctor of Nature one needs a 'degree' of Nature Empathy.
I seem to be accepted by the other inhabitants of the place to a certain extent. In the spring, twice a chickadee landed on my hand to get a sunflower seed. Moreover, the house sparrows (English Sparrows) out back scold me if I fail to throw them some seeds.
Then yesterday I was dumping some pulled weeds on the compost pile when I felt a thump on my back. It was a chipmunk using my back as a halfway point between the tree and the ground. He was a little embarrassed by his audacity and looked back at me with a SQUEEK as he dashed into a hole in the pile of leaves.
PRETTY THINGS
There are numerous pretty things in the world.
* The monarch chrysalis is certainly one.
* So are Japanese beetles. They may be bad, but here they feed mostly on the sterile grape vines along the wall. So I honor them for their beauty - black and iridescent.
* Bluegills are also very pretty to look at.
There are man-made things also that should be mentioned.
(1) The 'last drop' on the Maxwell House coffee label used to be a real gem of art. I bet it has been redesigned and lost. But the drop used to be colored brown with a little highlight of white with a slightly displaced miniscule red dot. It should have won a prize.
(2) The 5-pack of 'Maestro' cigars of Garcia y Vega has another example of a detail of real art. The name 'Maestro' is in green with a gold edge to the green which is best seen by changing the viewing angle when the green and gold make a most pleasing color combination, so I award the 2nd prize to the Garcia y Vega cigar box.
(Smoking cigars was Dad's only vice so he had a collection of cigar boxes in which he stored interesting things; such as bird feathers, shells, colored stones, stamps, pictures of grandchildren, etc.)
MONARCH BUTTERFLIES
There are a lot of Monarch butterflies this year. Maybe that is why I found a beautiful little chrysalis out in the garden which turned out to be the magic transformation case of a Monarch butterfly. It was a long time since I had considered these items.
This chrysalis was a blue-green waxy case that looked like plastic. It was decorated with a delicately made design of gold dots. Very elegantly made.
I put it away in a jar with grass and in a couple of days (our daughter-in-law) Anita noticed the butterfly coming out. I took pictures of the same and put it out on the Zinnia stalks to dry. The next day we saw it fly away.
No wonder they call these butterflies 'Monarch' since they are transformed in a royal gold-decorated case. I understand all these Monarch butterflies migrate south in the winter.
"So long, your majesties!"
DORMICE
I have heard of dormice through the years (e.g. Alice in Wonderland) but actually only encountered them after retiring to Oxford.
Dormouse means 'sleeping mouse' and refers also to the sleeping quarters they build to sleep in during the cold winter.
I found the first one in the lower garden as I was cleaning up the garden. There was a round ball of woven grass 3" or so in diameter, maybe 1/2" thick, with a sleeping mouse curled up tight inside. There was no hole in the ball. I left him sleeping in the ball. It was about time to awaken, I supposed.
In the fall of the year I found another one, not yet in use but well made with a hole left on the ball maybe 1/2" in diameter. Clearly the mouse if he later went in wove up the hole from the inside.
PIGEONS AND JAYS
I was watching the birds eating seeds out back when a blue jay and a mourning dove flew down to the same seed and bumped into one another.
I heard the blue jay say "Stupid pigeon! Why don't you look where you are going?"
The dove said "Peace! Brother" and waddled away, and the blue jay flew back up onto a branch.
THE FROG VISITOR
Tonight it is raining. I opened the porch door and a frog, sitting on the top step hopped right into the porch and then into the kitchen. I picked him up and told Elizabeth if she would kiss him, he might turn into a Prince. But she would not. So we let him out.
HOW TO LICK A PROBLEM
If you have a new problem, one in which you are in some degree familiar (i.e. not, for instance, like calling up the dead or moving a mountain into the sea), The First Rule must be: Don't Show Fear.
A problem knows when you're afraid of it, and fights twice as hard.
Not only that. All the little demons which are sitting around, and which are not, of themselves antagonists-to-the-solution of the problem, will reuse the fear and will start making trouble for you in their own domains.
All sorts of things can happen. You may stumble over your shadow, leave your keys in a locked house, stall your car and flood it, sit on the McDonald apple tart you have in your pocket, etc., etc.
Normally you would not do any of these things, but your fear has roused many psychic opponents! SO BE CALM, COOL, COLLECTED!
BITS OF WISDOM
The reason wise sayings are so concise: "Better late than never" etc., is because wise men are unable to gain the attention of people for more lengthy discourses.
Beware of those who say the plural of 'person' is 'people'. It is better to say 'persons' and preserve our integrity as individuals. Those who think of trees as timber plan to cut them down.
Beware of molehills. They may be mountains in disguise.
Remember, O Man, what you tolerate, you teach.
The government is a gigantic institution which hires James and John to rob Peter to pay Paul.
A bigot is one whose well-considered principles differ from your own.
I saw in the paper, "A mandate does not depend upon the size of the vote, but on the man himself." In other words, a mandate is when a man (thinks he)has a date with destiny.
It may follow the spirit of the law, but there is not a ghost of a chance that it follows the letter of the law.
LOSS OF AUTHORITY
(Written after I returned from the hospital after my long combat with hyperthyroidism.) I see I've lost a lot of authority since I got sick. Some of my previously obedient servants have deserted me. Specifically, I used to command 210# of gravity. When I jumped on a bale of wire to flatten it, all 210# were there.
But now 50 or so of my servants have left and only 160# still serve me.
My shadow also is diminished, which worries me some, considering the importance of a substantial shadow.
-----------------------
Dad lived to be 89. The last 8 years were struggles with Alzheimers disease.
Your shadow, Dad, remains substantial with those who loved and knew you.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
The Endangered Black Family and Our Endangered Culture
Bill Cosby and Dr. Alvin F. Poussaint courageously documented a social tragedy that has concerned social scientists for decades - the breakdown of the black family. In their book, Come On People: On the Path From Victims to Victors, they outline the problem and plead for change.
They conclude: "No more excuses, no more delays. Come on people!" 1.
Breakdown of marriage
In the 1950's, black and white marriage patterns were much alike.
* In 1960, 66% of all black women aged 30-34 were married.
* By 1990, the figure had dropped to 39%. 2.
* Divorce and separation rates for blacks are now 50% higher than for whites. 3.
* In 1950, five out of six black children were born into a two-parent home.
* Now 70% of black children are born outside of marriage. 4.
Consequences of fatherlessness
Fatherhood is the most socializing and civilizing role for men; however, many black men are caught in the cultural demand to 'be cool' and emotionally detached. 5.
The hard truth is that most social problems are the direct consequences of fatherless households.
Children born to unwed mothers are ten times more likely to live in poverty.
Sobering federal statistics report that children from fatherless homes include: 6.
* 63% of teen suicides
* 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions
* 71% of high-school dropouts
* 75% of children in chemical-abuse centers
* 80% of youth in prison
* 85% of children with behavioral disorders
* 90% of homeless and runaway children
The black high school drop-out rate is greater than 50% in many cities, with male drop-out rate higher than female. 7.
Black crime rates
* Close to half of the prison population (now about 2.2 million) are African-American. 8.
* African-Americans are 12% of the population but represent 56% of those arrested for murder and 50% of those arrested for forcible rape and violent crimes.
* Black against black homicide is the leading cause of death among black men ages 16-34.
* One out of every 21 young black men is murdered.
* 32% of all black males ages 20-29 are in jail, prison or on probation or parole. 9.
Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD's)
* In March, 2008 the Center for Disease Control and Prevention reported that nearly 50% of black teens had an STD, while 20% of white and Hispanic teens were so affected. 10.
* Black homosexual relationships have led to tragic consequences.
Male-to-male sexual contact (MSM) is the primary cause of HIV/AIDS transmission.
In 2005, AIDS cases in the U.S. for Blacks (20,187) exceeded the number for Whites, Hispanics, Asians and American Indians. combined (19,939). 11.
* Bisexual and heterosexual relationships spread the HIV virus to black women and children. In 2004, HIV infection was the leading cause of death for African-American women aged 35-44. 12.
Black role models
The media has elevated black role models who disdain responsible sexual relationships and marriage.
Black male rappers, particularly gangsta rappers, have churned out a hip, bold, profane style with antisocial, angry, women-hating messages. 13 Success is measured by having as much money and sex as possible. Women are seen as bitches and hos and men as pimps.
In February of 2008, the Bad Boy Entertainment founder, Sean (Puff Daddy) Combs is quoted as saying, "I'm cool, man... I've never been married, never been engaged." Combs has fathered 6 children by 3 different women. 14.
The pop singer, Beyonce, is expanding her house of fashion design to sell a line of clothes to children. Ads present 7 year old girls dressed in bling, leather, lipstick, and heels, seductively
posed to look like tarts. 15.
As the media promote sexuality and pornography, Pimp and Ho Parties are now being promoted as the 'in' way to have fun. 16.
Grief and Frustration
It is with grief and frustration that I consider these tragic statistics because statistics are not numbers. They represent human lives, hurting and failing to reach potential.
In August of 1963, my husband and I lived outside Washington DC. On August 28, a carload from our (white, suburban) church went to the Washington Mall to join the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom. We stood with 200,000 people as Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his "I Have a Dream" speech. We affirmed his concern that people be judged not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
Schools, colleges and universities have opened doors of opportunity to blacks and all Americans. Government and charitable organizations have provided assistance for food, clothing and housing for those needing a hand up.
From Victim to Responsible Citizen
I join the cry of Bill Cosby and Alvin Poussaint when they say,
"No more excuses, no more delays. Come on people!
I add the call to move from victims to responsible citizens!
References
1. Cosby, Bill and Alvin F. Poussaint, MD. Come On People - on the Path From Victims to Victors. Thomas Nelson. Nashville. 2007.
2. Palen, J. John. Social Problems for the Twenty-First Century. McGraw Hill Pub. 2001:291.
3. Cosby, pg. 17.
4. Cosby, pgs. 2,14.
5. Cosby, pg. 11
6. Alexander, Mark M. "Fatherless in America." June 17,2005. www.townhall.com/Common.
7. Cosby, pg. 108.
8. Cosby, pg. 192.
9. Palen, pgs. 342,243.
10. The Associated Press. March 11, 2008. "1 in 4 teen girls has at least one STD". http://www.msnbc.com/id/23574940.
11. http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/surveillance/print/basic.htm. 9/8/2007.
12. http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/women/resources/factsheets. Revised June 2007.
13. Cosby, pgs. 12,16,119.
14. Brady, James. "In Step with Sean Combs." Parade Magazine. February 24, 2008. page 26.
15. www.parentdish.com/2008/05/12/beyonce-sexing-up-childresn-clothing.
16. www.ehow.com/how_2067020-throw-pimp-ho-party.html.
They conclude: "No more excuses, no more delays. Come on people!" 1.
Breakdown of marriage
In the 1950's, black and white marriage patterns were much alike.
* In 1960, 66% of all black women aged 30-34 were married.
* By 1990, the figure had dropped to 39%. 2.
* Divorce and separation rates for blacks are now 50% higher than for whites. 3.
* In 1950, five out of six black children were born into a two-parent home.
* Now 70% of black children are born outside of marriage. 4.
Consequences of fatherlessness
Fatherhood is the most socializing and civilizing role for men; however, many black men are caught in the cultural demand to 'be cool' and emotionally detached. 5.
The hard truth is that most social problems are the direct consequences of fatherless households.
Children born to unwed mothers are ten times more likely to live in poverty.
Sobering federal statistics report that children from fatherless homes include: 6.
* 63% of teen suicides
* 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions
* 71% of high-school dropouts
* 75% of children in chemical-abuse centers
* 80% of youth in prison
* 85% of children with behavioral disorders
* 90% of homeless and runaway children
The black high school drop-out rate is greater than 50% in many cities, with male drop-out rate higher than female. 7.
Black crime rates
* Close to half of the prison population (now about 2.2 million) are African-American. 8.
* African-Americans are 12% of the population but represent 56% of those arrested for murder and 50% of those arrested for forcible rape and violent crimes.
* Black against black homicide is the leading cause of death among black men ages 16-34.
* One out of every 21 young black men is murdered.
* 32% of all black males ages 20-29 are in jail, prison or on probation or parole. 9.
Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD's)
* In March, 2008 the Center for Disease Control and Prevention reported that nearly 50% of black teens had an STD, while 20% of white and Hispanic teens were so affected. 10.
* Black homosexual relationships have led to tragic consequences.
Male-to-male sexual contact (MSM) is the primary cause of HIV/AIDS transmission.
In 2005, AIDS cases in the U.S. for Blacks (20,187) exceeded the number for Whites, Hispanics, Asians and American Indians. combined (19,939). 11.
* Bisexual and heterosexual relationships spread the HIV virus to black women and children. In 2004, HIV infection was the leading cause of death for African-American women aged 35-44. 12.
Black role models
The media has elevated black role models who disdain responsible sexual relationships and marriage.
Black male rappers, particularly gangsta rappers, have churned out a hip, bold, profane style with antisocial, angry, women-hating messages. 13 Success is measured by having as much money and sex as possible. Women are seen as bitches and hos and men as pimps.
In February of 2008, the Bad Boy Entertainment founder, Sean (Puff Daddy) Combs is quoted as saying, "I'm cool, man... I've never been married, never been engaged." Combs has fathered 6 children by 3 different women. 14.
The pop singer, Beyonce, is expanding her house of fashion design to sell a line of clothes to children. Ads present 7 year old girls dressed in bling, leather, lipstick, and heels, seductively
posed to look like tarts. 15.
As the media promote sexuality and pornography, Pimp and Ho Parties are now being promoted as the 'in' way to have fun. 16.
Grief and Frustration
It is with grief and frustration that I consider these tragic statistics because statistics are not numbers. They represent human lives, hurting and failing to reach potential.
In August of 1963, my husband and I lived outside Washington DC. On August 28, a carload from our (white, suburban) church went to the Washington Mall to join the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom. We stood with 200,000 people as Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his "I Have a Dream" speech. We affirmed his concern that people be judged not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
Schools, colleges and universities have opened doors of opportunity to blacks and all Americans. Government and charitable organizations have provided assistance for food, clothing and housing for those needing a hand up.
From Victim to Responsible Citizen
I join the cry of Bill Cosby and Alvin Poussaint when they say,
"No more excuses, no more delays. Come on people!
I add the call to move from victims to responsible citizens!
References
1. Cosby, Bill and Alvin F. Poussaint, MD. Come On People - on the Path From Victims to Victors. Thomas Nelson. Nashville. 2007.
2. Palen, J. John. Social Problems for the Twenty-First Century. McGraw Hill Pub. 2001:291.
3. Cosby, pg. 17.
4. Cosby, pgs. 2,14.
5. Cosby, pg. 11
6. Alexander, Mark M. "Fatherless in America." June 17,2005. www.townhall.com/Common.
7. Cosby, pg. 108.
8. Cosby, pg. 192.
9. Palen, pgs. 342,243.
10. The Associated Press. March 11, 2008. "1 in 4 teen girls has at least one STD". http://www.msnbc.com/id/23574940.
11. http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/surveillance/print/basic.htm. 9/8/2007.
12. http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/women/resources/factsheets. Revised June 2007.
13. Cosby, pgs. 12,16,119.
14. Brady, James. "In Step with Sean Combs." Parade Magazine. February 24, 2008. page 26.
15. www.parentdish.com/2008/05/12/beyonce-sexing-up-childresn-clothing.
16. www.ehow.com/how_2067020-throw-pimp-ho-party.html.
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