Loving relationships within the family lay a foundation for personal health and wellness. Families are a special way that love and healing are made manifest. The family is the unique organization in which we become whole in our relationships. This wholeness requires that we grow in the graces of faithfulness, patience, forgiveness and self-control. From these graces flow the joy and peace of connectedness and loving assurance.
Our modern culture emphasizes self-interest, but it is within the family that we accept others into our definition of self. Families are under stress today because social pressures that once held families together are weakened. We want our family to be a place of joy and happiness. It is up to us to make it happen.
We'll focus on four keys that will help to unlock loving relationships in our families:
* Positive communication;
* Conflict resolution;
* Money management;
* and Attitudes of gratefulness.
POSITIVE COMMUNICATION
Families provide for us a sense of companionship and completeness. Communication is essential for the expression of these relationships. When communication breaks down, love is blocked. Resentment and hostility replace companionship. Communication takes time. We need to clear our schedules of activities that keep us from communicating with each other.
In many families the key to communication cannot be found. The doors to meaningful discussions are locked. Communication involves talking, listening and understanding. Unfortunately we often are more inclined to talk about our own wants than to listen to the concerns of others. All people have an immense need to be truly listened to. Communication also requires that you share yourself verbally and non verbally in such a way that the other person can understand and accept what you are sharing.
Thoughts to Ponder
1. Communication is to love what blood is to the body. When communication breaks down, love is blocked.
2. Words have power. Choose them carefully. Words can hurt, injure, and anger, or they can heal, help and comfort.
3. Research shows that tone of voice, facial expressions and gestures communicate even more effectively than words.
4. Do your words, facial expressions and body language encourage loving family relationship?
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Conflict is natural when people live together. Our creator has made each of us differently, and family members seek to protect their uniqueness. When we are threatened, we feel an impulse to attack. Conflicts arise out of personal values, beliefs and needs. We truly love the members of our family when we understand and appreciate the ways in which they are unique. Conflict in families is an opportunity to recognize each other's needs and uniqueness and to celebrate differences. Conflicts are to be resolved, not avoided. Conflict resolution requires working together, listening, and caring. Make your family a place of safety through resolving conflict in a healthy way.
Ground rules for conflict
1. Realize that conflict is natural. People who live together will experience conflict.
2. Don't try to win. Make it a win-win solution where everyone feels OK.
3. Find a way to de-escalate. Look for the positive. Hurtful comments increase defensiveness.
4. Keep the big picture in mind. Don't let molehills become mountains.
MONEY MANAGEMENT
Money problems often cause anger and conflict in families. Money problems rank among the top four reasons leading to divorce. The problems increase as the number of people in the family increases. Problems develop when decisions about money create distance and resentment. Family members should feel that their needs and values are supported by the way in which family finances are spent.
The value of a family member should never be equated with the person's net worth. Family relationships can be destroyed if a love of things becomes a higher priority than a love of each other. Freedom from money problems more often results from spending less than earning more.
Questions to ponder
1. Is your money being spent to support your priorities?
2. Are behavior problems leading to money problems?
3. What holes need to be plugged where money disappears without knowing where it went?
4. Have you considered the feelings of other family members in regard to how the family money is spent?
ATTITUDES OF GRATEFULNESS
Appreciating the people who live in our family is foundational to loving relationshilps. The dynamic that keeps a family happy is a positive attitude. We are trained in our culture to focus on the problems that need to be solved. We too often develop a negative attitude and resent the people in our family who aren't living up to our expectations. When we cling too tightly to expectations, we lose a sense of appreciation for the goodness in those around us. Often the best way to eliminate negative behaviors is to accentuate the positive ones.
Growing in gratitude
1. To create joy in your relationships, focus on what is admirable about the people in your family.
2. When family members do something good, say so! "Thank you" and "I like that" are powerful tools for good relationships.
3. Negative impasses will break down when a positive attitude replaces anger.
4. You can choose what to pay attention to. Focus on what is wonderful about the other person.
Loving relationships don't just happen. They are the result of a decision and commitment to grow in understanding amidst all the problems and concerns that family life presents throughout the years. You can turn the keys to loving family relationships.
REFERENCES:
* Poduska, Bernard E. For Love and Money: A Guide to Finances & Relationships.Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole Pub. 1993.
* Ryan, M.J. Attitudes of Gratitude in Love: Creating More Joy in Your Relationship. NY: MJF Books. 2002.
* Whiteman, Thomas A., Ph.D. and Thomas G. Bartlett, Ph.D. The Marriage Mender: A Couple's Guide for Staying Together. Colorado Springs, CO:NAVPress.1996
Showing posts with label strengthening families. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strengthening families. Show all posts
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Sunday, August 10, 2008
When Organizations and Families Collide
Most Americans continue to find their greatest sources of nurture, support, and meaning within their family experiences.
In our modern society, however, we are spending an increasing amount of time in bureaucratic organizational involvements, away from our families.
Organizations, while offering support and services for families and individuals, may challenge and compete with family involvements. Organizations may view members as commodities to expand and increase the organizational program, with little thought or concern about how the involvements may affect relationships within the family unit.
Social analyst, Eugene Litwak, contends that both organizations and strong family relationships are essential for the maintenance of an industrial society. He notes that organizations provide efficient, objective, transitory, and specialized services, while the family and kinship units provide the personal, emotional, diffuse, and permanent support and guidance necessary for personal development. 1.
THE FAMILY REALM IS DIFFERENT
The family realm differs from relationships in bureaucratic organizations. The expectations for interactions within these two realms are usually quite different.
Researchers in the Department of Family Sciences of Brigham Young University identified seven characteristics that distinguish the 'ideal' family realm from organizational experiences. 2.
1. Family relationships are generational and permanent.
* Organizations have specific goals of interest for a limited time period.
2. Family relationships involve 'whole persons' for better and worse with respect for the unique qualities of the members.
* Organizations involve people in a 'role' relationship, structured to avoid
contradictions.
3. Family relationships are multidimensional. Many processes are occurring at once, often becoming irrational and disordered. Actions and feelings must be juggled simultaneously.
* Organizational activities are focused, sequential, ordered, and temporary.
4. Families develop emotional intensity that includes not only feelings of love, but also feelings of concern worry, and anger.
* Feelings toward organizational colleagues are less intense and holistic.
5. Family relationships focus on measures of the quality of 'being' in an ongoing process of nurture.
* Organizations focus on quantity measures of achievement, profit, performance,
ratings, and rankings.
6. Family relationships include a sense of sacred responsibility and duty to other family members.
* Organizations include agreements and contracts for mutual advantage.
7. Family relationships are based on processes of caring, nurturing, persuading, and training to foster the growth and development of the members.
* Organizations treat members as commodities where people are hired, fired,
managed and manipulated.
LEARNING HOW TO LOVE FOREVER - EDUCATION FOR HEALTHY MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES
Our social education programs are failing to educate citizens in the skills necessary for the success of healthy marriage and family relationships. Without the ability to care and share, listen and communicate, manage anger, resolve conflicts and forgive, relationships within families become destructive and broken.
In 1995, the Council on Families, which includes prominent social researchers and proponents of religious and social policy, issued a report entitled Marriage in America: A Report to the Nation. They contend that "The divorce revolution...has failed. It has created terrible hardships for children, incurred unsupportable social costs, and failed to deliver on its promise of greater adult happiness... Making marriage in America stronger will require a fundamental shift in cultural values and public policy. No one sector of society is responsible for the decline in marriage... We are all part of the problem, and therefore we all must be part of the solution." 3.
The Council on Families concludes that educational, religious, civic, business, political, and health organizations must all work together to regain the personal
and social value of marriage and family relationships.
In light of the importance of continuing family relationships for personal support, and concerns for the tragic breakdown of family relationships and social cost to individuals and society, it is essential that our educational organizations, including our schools, churches and other community support groups, offer training in the unique processes that support marriage and family nurture and enrichment.
WE CAN LEARN TO LOVE FOREVER! It's time to move forward and make it happen!
REFERENCES:
1. Litwak, Eugene. "Extended kin relations in an industrial society." In
Social Structure and the Family: Generational Relations.E. Shanas and B.F. Streib. Englewood Cliff, NJ: Prentice Hall. 1965:290-323.
2. Beutler, Ivan R., Wesley R. Burr and Kathleen S. Bahr. "The family realm: theoretical contributions for understanding its uniqueness." Journal of Marriage and the Family. Vol.51(August)1989:805-816.
3. Council on Families. Marriage in America: A Report to the Nation. 1995.
www.americanvalues.org/html/r-marriage_in_america.
In our modern society, however, we are spending an increasing amount of time in bureaucratic organizational involvements, away from our families.
Organizations, while offering support and services for families and individuals, may challenge and compete with family involvements. Organizations may view members as commodities to expand and increase the organizational program, with little thought or concern about how the involvements may affect relationships within the family unit.
Social analyst, Eugene Litwak, contends that both organizations and strong family relationships are essential for the maintenance of an industrial society. He notes that organizations provide efficient, objective, transitory, and specialized services, while the family and kinship units provide the personal, emotional, diffuse, and permanent support and guidance necessary for personal development. 1.
THE FAMILY REALM IS DIFFERENT
The family realm differs from relationships in bureaucratic organizations. The expectations for interactions within these two realms are usually quite different.
Researchers in the Department of Family Sciences of Brigham Young University identified seven characteristics that distinguish the 'ideal' family realm from organizational experiences. 2.
1. Family relationships are generational and permanent.
* Organizations have specific goals of interest for a limited time period.
2. Family relationships involve 'whole persons' for better and worse with respect for the unique qualities of the members.
* Organizations involve people in a 'role' relationship, structured to avoid
contradictions.
3. Family relationships are multidimensional. Many processes are occurring at once, often becoming irrational and disordered. Actions and feelings must be juggled simultaneously.
* Organizational activities are focused, sequential, ordered, and temporary.
4. Families develop emotional intensity that includes not only feelings of love, but also feelings of concern worry, and anger.
* Feelings toward organizational colleagues are less intense and holistic.
5. Family relationships focus on measures of the quality of 'being' in an ongoing process of nurture.
* Organizations focus on quantity measures of achievement, profit, performance,
ratings, and rankings.
6. Family relationships include a sense of sacred responsibility and duty to other family members.
* Organizations include agreements and contracts for mutual advantage.
7. Family relationships are based on processes of caring, nurturing, persuading, and training to foster the growth and development of the members.
* Organizations treat members as commodities where people are hired, fired,
managed and manipulated.
LEARNING HOW TO LOVE FOREVER - EDUCATION FOR HEALTHY MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES
Our social education programs are failing to educate citizens in the skills necessary for the success of healthy marriage and family relationships. Without the ability to care and share, listen and communicate, manage anger, resolve conflicts and forgive, relationships within families become destructive and broken.
In 1995, the Council on Families, which includes prominent social researchers and proponents of religious and social policy, issued a report entitled Marriage in America: A Report to the Nation. They contend that "The divorce revolution...has failed. It has created terrible hardships for children, incurred unsupportable social costs, and failed to deliver on its promise of greater adult happiness... Making marriage in America stronger will require a fundamental shift in cultural values and public policy. No one sector of society is responsible for the decline in marriage... We are all part of the problem, and therefore we all must be part of the solution." 3.
The Council on Families concludes that educational, religious, civic, business, political, and health organizations must all work together to regain the personal
and social value of marriage and family relationships.
In light of the importance of continuing family relationships for personal support, and concerns for the tragic breakdown of family relationships and social cost to individuals and society, it is essential that our educational organizations, including our schools, churches and other community support groups, offer training in the unique processes that support marriage and family nurture and enrichment.
WE CAN LEARN TO LOVE FOREVER! It's time to move forward and make it happen!
REFERENCES:
1. Litwak, Eugene. "Extended kin relations in an industrial society." In
Social Structure and the Family: Generational Relations.E. Shanas and B.F. Streib. Englewood Cliff, NJ: Prentice Hall. 1965:290-323.
2. Beutler, Ivan R., Wesley R. Burr and Kathleen S. Bahr. "The family realm: theoretical contributions for understanding its uniqueness." Journal of Marriage and the Family. Vol.51(August)1989:805-816.
3. Council on Families. Marriage in America: A Report to the Nation. 1995.
www.americanvalues.org/html/r-marriage_in_america.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Texas Leads in Marriage Strengthening Programs
On June 15th of 2007, the Governor of Texas signed into Law 2 bills designed to support the development of healthy marriages and families:
House Bill 2683 - Strengthening Families
House Bill 2685 - Marriage Preparation Courses 1.
PUBLIC POLICY CONCERNS
Building strong families is a public policy concern because the dissolution of marriage and families creates social problems which require the state to spend large amounts of money through child support collection, food stamps, government health insurance and correctional facilities. 2.
Federal law makes federal grants available to state governments from the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) block grants and from the Safe and Stable Families block grants. However, only a few states, including Oklahoma and Ohio, use these grants. 3.
By supporting these two bills, Texas will lead the nation at the state level in promoting programs to give families tools to succeed in marriage and family relationship skills.
HB 2683 - STRENGTHENING FAMILIES
This bill, which became effective on September 1, 2007, approved $15 million in federal TANF funds for programs "to promote healthy relationships, and child well-being and to reduce the risk of domestic violence." 4.
HB 2685 - MARRIAGE PREPARATION COURSES
This bill, which will become effective on September 1, 2008, encourages applicants for marriage licenses to take voluntary marriage preparation courses.
HB 2685 also increases the fee for a marriage license from $30 to $60. However, couples who choose to undertake an 8 hour marriage preparation course will be exempt from paying the marriage license fee and also exempt from the 72 hour waiting period between the issuing of a license and the date of marriage.
The marriage preparation courses must include instruction in conflict resolution and communication skills. The courses offered must be based on research and provided by a certified instructor.
The Texas Health and Human Services Commission (HHSC) maintains a website under the "Twogether in Texas" Healthy Marriage Program to register trained marriage educators, make information available to the public, and ensure that the premarital education courses offered meet appropriate standards. The state has been divided into 12 regions with intermediaries who oversee the program. 5.
Education programs funded by the state must use secular and qualifying curriculum, and offer the classes free of charge.
Education programs not funded by the state can use faith-based curriculum if it is
certified as a recognized premarital curriculum. These programs must be registered with the Regional Intermediaries of "Twogether in Texas" in order for recipients to receive the marriage fee exemption.
IT'S TIME TO ADDRESS THE PROBLEM.
"Encouraging couples to undertake premarital education courses is intended to provide them with the skills necessary to resolve marital conflicts, which will make for stronger marriages that are less likely to end in failure. It is indisputable that marriage has a positive impact on the well-being of adults, children, and families, and that it improves satisfaction with life and fosters economic stability." 6.
State Representive, Warren Chisum, R-Pampa, sponsored the legislation that developed the programs for healthy family education. He said, "With the frequency of divorce and problems we have with marriage in this state, it's time someone addressed the problem." 7.
REFERENCES
1. www.capitol.state.tx.us/BillLookup/BillNumber.aspx. July 30, 2008.
2. Legislative Update. Friday, July 13, 2007.
http://www.house.state.tx.us/news/release.php?id=2126.
3. Texas FAMLI. http://tx.famli.us/content/view/1/1/.
4. Leeks, Gordon. Project Manager, Healthy Marriage Program. Texas Health and
Human Services Commission. Power Point presentation. 6/6/08. "Twogether in
Texas".
5. Ibid.
6. Legislative Update. (as above)
7. Hodges, Sam. "Texas Marriage Education Program aims to prevent divorce."
The Dallas Morning News. July 4, 2008.
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/religion/stories/070508
dnmetmarriageclass.23f2125.html.
House Bill 2683 - Strengthening Families
House Bill 2685 - Marriage Preparation Courses 1.
PUBLIC POLICY CONCERNS
Building strong families is a public policy concern because the dissolution of marriage and families creates social problems which require the state to spend large amounts of money through child support collection, food stamps, government health insurance and correctional facilities. 2.
Federal law makes federal grants available to state governments from the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) block grants and from the Safe and Stable Families block grants. However, only a few states, including Oklahoma and Ohio, use these grants. 3.
By supporting these two bills, Texas will lead the nation at the state level in promoting programs to give families tools to succeed in marriage and family relationship skills.
HB 2683 - STRENGTHENING FAMILIES
This bill, which became effective on September 1, 2007, approved $15 million in federal TANF funds for programs "to promote healthy relationships, and child well-being and to reduce the risk of domestic violence." 4.
HB 2685 - MARRIAGE PREPARATION COURSES
This bill, which will become effective on September 1, 2008, encourages applicants for marriage licenses to take voluntary marriage preparation courses.
HB 2685 also increases the fee for a marriage license from $30 to $60. However, couples who choose to undertake an 8 hour marriage preparation course will be exempt from paying the marriage license fee and also exempt from the 72 hour waiting period between the issuing of a license and the date of marriage.
The marriage preparation courses must include instruction in conflict resolution and communication skills. The courses offered must be based on research and provided by a certified instructor.
The Texas Health and Human Services Commission (HHSC) maintains a website under the "Twogether in Texas" Healthy Marriage Program to register trained marriage educators, make information available to the public, and ensure that the premarital education courses offered meet appropriate standards. The state has been divided into 12 regions with intermediaries who oversee the program. 5.
Education programs funded by the state must use secular and qualifying curriculum, and offer the classes free of charge.
Education programs not funded by the state can use faith-based curriculum if it is
certified as a recognized premarital curriculum. These programs must be registered with the Regional Intermediaries of "Twogether in Texas" in order for recipients to receive the marriage fee exemption.
IT'S TIME TO ADDRESS THE PROBLEM.
"Encouraging couples to undertake premarital education courses is intended to provide them with the skills necessary to resolve marital conflicts, which will make for stronger marriages that are less likely to end in failure. It is indisputable that marriage has a positive impact on the well-being of adults, children, and families, and that it improves satisfaction with life and fosters economic stability." 6.
State Representive, Warren Chisum, R-Pampa, sponsored the legislation that developed the programs for healthy family education. He said, "With the frequency of divorce and problems we have with marriage in this state, it's time someone addressed the problem." 7.
REFERENCES
1. www.capitol.state.tx.us/BillLookup/BillNumber.aspx. July 30, 2008.
2. Legislative Update. Friday, July 13, 2007.
http://www.house.state.tx.us/news/release.php?id=2126.
3. Texas FAMLI. http://tx.famli.us/content/view/1/1/.
4. Leeks, Gordon. Project Manager, Healthy Marriage Program. Texas Health and
Human Services Commission. Power Point presentation. 6/6/08. "Twogether in
Texas".
5. Ibid.
6. Legislative Update. (as above)
7. Hodges, Sam. "Texas Marriage Education Program aims to prevent divorce."
The Dallas Morning News. July 4, 2008.
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/religion/stories/070508
dnmetmarriageclass.23f2125.html.
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