Including Dad in Parenting: Fathers are Important Too

With the increase in out of wedlock births and divorce many men are failing to experience the important role of fatherhood and many children are growing up without a father for support, nurture and protection.

"A good society celebrates the ideal of the man who puts his family first." 1.

However our society is moving in the opposite direction. Never before in our country have so many children grown up without a father to protect and guide them. A caring father has traditionally provided economic, educational, moral, social, and psychological support for his family.

Today many fathers have abandoned their children or have been left out of the family experience.

Single motherhood is a long, hard journey for both mother and children. Single mothers have less time for each child and little time for themselves.

Children living without a father are 7 times more likely to experience poverty.

Fathers are important in helping a child grow emotionally and socially. Girls without a father often experience difficulty in developing a realistic view of men. Boys without a father fail to have a role model for responsible ways to relate in society as a man. Friends and gangs become their role models. 2.

Research studies have found that more than 70% of juveniles in reform institutions come from fatherless homes.

Our schools, churches and community centers need to provide learning opportunities to turn young men into responsible fathers for the support of their families and community.

Some women prefer to raise their children alone because the father is abusive, destructive and overbearing with the family. The social welfare system generally ignores the role of young fathers. However, helping young men learn the responsible, nurturing, and supportive roles of fatherhood is an essential need for our communities.

Fatherhood is the most important role for men because it helps them become pro-social.

An effective father accepts and affirms his children and helps them to grow in responsible and positive ways. An effective father supports and cares for his children's mother.

References:

1. Blankenhorn, David. Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem. Harper Perennial. 1995:5.

2. Gibbs, Nancy R. "Bringing Up Father." Time. Vol. 141, No.26. June 28, 1993:52-61.

The High Cost of Marriage Breakdown in America

The breakdown of marriage in America has become our most critical social problem.

Since the beginning of recorded history, marriage has been a universal human institution. Marriage creates kinship obligations, resource pooling, and the reproduction of children, families and society. Marriage offers an expectation of sexual fidelity and lifelong commitment which supports happier, healthier and less violent relationships. 1.

Over the last 40 years we have moved away from support and expectation of marriage in America. Divorce, out-of-wedlock childbearing, and co-habiting have become normalized as alternative lifestyles.

A report released in 2005 entitled, Why Marriage Matters, Second Edition: Twenty-Six Conclusions from the Social Sciences states, "In 1960, more than 67percent of adults were married, whereas today fewer than 56 percent are married...These trends are even more dramatic in minority and lower income communities." 2.

Increases in divorce, single-parent families and children born out-of-wedlock are creating expensive personal and social tragedies as commitment to family as a social institution is replaced by self-orientation.

COST TO TAXPAYERS - $112 BILLION A YEAR

On April 15th, 2008 a landmark scholarly study was released entitled The Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing: First-ever Estimates for the Nation and All 50 States. This report quantifies a minimum $112 billion annual taxpayer cost from high rates of divorce and unmarried childbearing. 3.

Ben Scafidi,Ph.D., the principle investigator of the study and economics professor at Georgia College & State University states, "These costs are due to increased taxpayer expenditures for anti-poverty, criminal justice and education programs, and through lower levels of taxes paid by individuals whose adult productivity has been negatively affected..."

Dr. David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values, notes, "Even a small improvement in the health of marriage in America would result in enormous savings...a 1 percent reduction in rates of family fragmentation would save taxpayers $1.1 billion."

DIVORCE

Divorce was once considered a last resort. It is now viewed as a liberating even creative experience, a means of finding oneself. However, we've seriously underestimated the long-term impact of divorce on children.

By almost every measure, children of divorce fare worse than their peers in intact families. The supportive network of family and friends is shattered. 4.

Millions of Americans have experienced the tragedies of divorce.

BORN OUT-OF-WEDLOCK

In 1960, 5 percent of children were born out-of-wedlock. In 2005, 34 percent of children were born outside of marriage. 5.

More and more American children are growing up with little experience of married life and little confidence that they could or want to be in satisfying marriage relationships.

WHERE'S DAD?

On June 15th (2008), many Americans honored their fathers on Father's Day. Fatherhood privileges children by providing physical protection, material resources, paternal cultural transmission, and day-to-day nurturing. 6.

However, 40 percent of children now live in a home without a father present. Men are increasingly leaving or being left out of family relationships. Fatherhood, the most socializing and civilizing role for men, is now often defined as a check in the mail, a weekend visit, or 'no dad at all'. This is a tragedy for both the fathers and the children.

Married men have lower rates of alcohol consumption and drug use, longer life expectancy, better health, and lower rates of injury, illness and disability. 7.

CONCLUSIONS FROM SOCIAL RESEARCH 8.

Research underscores time and again that one man and one woman joining together in a
permanent loving union is the best environment for raising healthy productive children.

The two parent home is a strong predictor of who will escape poverty.
Increases in child poverty since 1970 can be attributed to divorce and non-marital childbearing. (pg.19)

Cohabiting unions are much less stable than married unions. Cohabiting parents spend, on average, more income on alcohol and tobacco. (pg 13)

Children of unwed parents are more likely to have lower grades and to drop out of high school. (pg.22)

Children of divorced parents have higher rates of psychological distress, mental illness and increased rates of suicide. (pg 27)

Single or cohabiting mothers have higher rates of depression. Single mothers are overburdened by parenting alone. Cohabiting mothers are less confident that their relationship will last. (pg. 28)

Boys raised in single-parent families are more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal behaviors. (pg. 29)

Children not living with their two married parents are at greater risk for child abuse. (pg. 31)

MARRIAGE MATTERS

Marriage is more than a personal decision or an emotional relationship. Leading scholars from across the human sciences and across political perspectives who make up the Institute for American Values concur that "a healthy marriage culture is clearly a matter of legitimate public concern". In their report, Marriage Matters, they outline three fundamental conclusions. 9.

1. Marriage is an important social good, associated with...positive
outcomes for children and adults alike.

2. Marriage is an important public good, associated with a range
of economic, health, educational, and safety benefits...

3. The benefits of marriage extend to poor and minority communities,
even though marriage is fragile there.


A VISION FOR MARRIAGE RENEWAL

The weakening of marriage as an institution has been a fundamental factor contributing to the deteriorating well-being of adults and children and to an increase in poverty, especially for women and children.

As a society we need to move into a pro-active direction toward marriage support, marriage enrichment and family nurture. Joining hands, we can create a vision to strenthen and nurture family relationships, build stronger marriages and equip parents to raise their children surrounded by enduring love and support.

Let's start today!
We can do this!
YES WE CAN!


REFERENCES:

1. Institute for American Values. Why Marriage Matters, Second Edition: Twenty-six
Conclusions from the Social Sciences. New York, NY. 2005:pg. 15. www.americanvalues.org.
2. Ibid. pg. 5.
3. Weber, Sheila, Director of Communication, Institute for American Values.
"Marriage Breakdown Cost Taxpayers at Least $112 Billion a Year". April 15,
2008. Sheila@americanvalues.org.
4. "Divorce: The Pain That Doesn't Go Away". Family Voice. July/August, 2001, pg 1.
5. Institute for American Values. pg. 5.
6. Blankenhorn, David. Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social
Problem. NY: Harper Perennial. 1996.
7. Institute for American Values. pgs. 24-25.
8. Institute for American Values. Why Marriage Matters...
9. Institute for American Values. pg. 9.

A Father's Day Tribute

My Dad (Weston Andrew Hare) would have enjoyed blogging. He liked to write down his musings and observations and share them with his family.

When he was 60, he and Mom (Elizabeth) retired to the old family house in Massachusetts, surrounded by stone wall fences, white birch trees, TALL pine and maple trees, and a pristine lake at the foot of the hills.

The following notes are selections from his "Gnome Gnotebook". He claimed to be 25% Irish, and Elves and Gnomes were often part of his stories.

UNCUT DIAMONDS
The first year I came here (1969) there were very many four-leaf clovers all around the place, it seemed to me.
Also I found in the lower garden a very nice Indian arrow head right on top of the garden. I still find some four leaf clovers, as I always have, but not that many, and I have found no more arrow heads, nor gold nuggets, nor uncut diamonds; tho' I look for them.

LEAF BOUNCERS
If you see a bunch of leaves bouncing like they had cricket legs, look carefully and you'll see a fox sparrow in the middle "kicking it up" as fox sparrows do.

RATS VERSUS SQUIRRELS
The rat has a very bad public image.
But squirrels are quite nice - cute - interesting and also good looking. They have, as far as I am concerned, a very good public image.
Yet squirrels and rats are both rodents - cousins you might say. Why the difference?

A rat is an 'orc' in the domain of the dark lord and has the characteristic of such.

A squirrel is like a 'hobbit' and in the domain of light. Why don't squirrels inhabit city slums, dumps, etc. and become wicked?

It's just not in their nature to do so, that's all.

AND BIRDS
People like birds. Of course people like birds. They are the residuum of the once great and benevolent race of Elves whose greatness has departed. But the echo of their benevolence remains in the songs, the bright color and general amiability of birds.

A tree full of blackbirds sounds a lot like water dropping into a hundred buckets. A bush full of sparrows also sounds pleasant - a 'bush of twitters'.

It would be interesting to make a record by superimposing many different bird calls repeated at random intervals so that a great medley of sound resulted.
(the tuning-up of the birds)

NATURE EMPATHY
To enjoy the course leading to a degree of Doctor of Nature one needs a 'degree' of Nature Empathy.
I seem to be accepted by the other inhabitants of the place to a certain extent. In the spring, twice a chickadee landed on my hand to get a sunflower seed. Moreover, the house sparrows (English Sparrows) out back scold me if I fail to throw them some seeds.

Then yesterday I was dumping some pulled weeds on the compost pile when I felt a thump on my back. It was a chipmunk using my back as a halfway point between the tree and the ground. He was a little embarrassed by his audacity and looked back at me with a SQUEEK as he dashed into a hole in the pile of leaves.

PRETTY THINGS
There are numerous pretty things in the world.

* The monarch chrysalis is certainly one.
* So are Japanese beetles. They may be bad, but here they feed mostly on the sterile grape vines along the wall. So I honor them for their beauty - black and iridescent.
* Bluegills are also very pretty to look at.

There are man-made things also that should be mentioned.
(1) The 'last drop' on the Maxwell House coffee label used to be a real gem of art. I bet it has been redesigned and lost. But the drop used to be colored brown with a little highlight of white with a slightly displaced miniscule red dot. It should have won a prize.
(2) The 5-pack of 'Maestro' cigars of Garcia y Vega has another example of a detail of real art. The name 'Maestro' is in green with a gold edge to the green which is best seen by changing the viewing angle when the green and gold make a most pleasing color combination, so I award the 2nd prize to the Garcia y Vega cigar box.

(Smoking cigars was Dad's only vice so he had a collection of cigar boxes in which he stored interesting things; such as bird feathers, shells, colored stones, stamps, pictures of grandchildren, etc.)

MONARCH BUTTERFLIES
There are a lot of Monarch butterflies this year. Maybe that is why I found a beautiful little chrysalis out in the garden which turned out to be the magic transformation case of a Monarch butterfly. It was a long time since I had considered these items.

This chrysalis was a blue-green waxy case that looked like plastic. It was decorated with a delicately made design of gold dots. Very elegantly made.
I put it away in a jar with grass and in a couple of days (our daughter-in-law) Anita noticed the butterfly coming out. I took pictures of the same and put it out on the Zinnia stalks to dry. The next day we saw it fly away.

No wonder they call these butterflies 'Monarch' since they are transformed in a royal gold-decorated case. I understand all these Monarch butterflies migrate south in the winter.
"So long, your majesties!"

DORMICE
I have heard of dormice through the years (e.g. Alice in Wonderland) but actually only encountered them after retiring to Oxford.

Dormouse means 'sleeping mouse' and refers also to the sleeping quarters they build to sleep in during the cold winter.

I found the first one in the lower garden as I was cleaning up the garden. There was a round ball of woven grass 3" or so in diameter, maybe 1/2" thick, with a sleeping mouse curled up tight inside. There was no hole in the ball. I left him sleeping in the ball. It was about time to awaken, I supposed.

In the fall of the year I found another one, not yet in use but well made with a hole left on the ball maybe 1/2" in diameter. Clearly the mouse if he later went in wove up the hole from the inside.

PIGEONS AND JAYS
I was watching the birds eating seeds out back when a blue jay and a mourning dove flew down to the same seed and bumped into one another.
I heard the blue jay say "Stupid pigeon! Why don't you look where you are going?"
The dove said "Peace! Brother" and waddled away, and the blue jay flew back up onto a branch.

THE FROG VISITOR
Tonight it is raining. I opened the porch door and a frog, sitting on the top step hopped right into the porch and then into the kitchen. I picked him up and told Elizabeth if she would kiss him, he might turn into a Prince. But she would not. So we let him out.

HOW TO LICK A PROBLEM
If you have a new problem, one in which you are in some degree familiar (i.e. not, for instance, like calling up the dead or moving a mountain into the sea), The First Rule must be: Don't Show Fear.

A problem knows when you're afraid of it, and fights twice as hard.
Not only that. All the little demons which are sitting around, and which are not, of themselves antagonists-to-the-solution of the problem, will reuse the fear and will start making trouble for you in their own domains.
All sorts of things can happen. You may stumble over your shadow, leave your keys in a locked house, stall your car and flood it, sit on the McDonald apple tart you have in your pocket, etc., etc.

Normally you would not do any of these things, but your fear has roused many psychic opponents! SO BE CALM, COOL, COLLECTED!

BITS OF WISDOM
The reason wise sayings are so concise: "Better late than never" etc., is because wise men are unable to gain the attention of people for more lengthy discourses.

Beware of those who say the plural of 'person' is 'people'. It is better to say 'persons' and preserve our integrity as individuals. Those who think of trees as timber plan to cut them down.

Beware of molehills. They may be mountains in disguise.

Remember, O Man, what you tolerate, you teach.

The government is a gigantic institution which hires James and John to rob Peter to pay Paul.

A bigot is one whose well-considered principles differ from your own.

I saw in the paper, "A mandate does not depend upon the size of the vote, but on the man himself." In other words, a mandate is when a man (thinks he)has a date with destiny.

It may follow the spirit of the law, but there is not a ghost of a chance that it follows the letter of the law.

LOSS OF AUTHORITY
(Written after I returned from the hospital after my long combat with hyperthyroidism.) I see I've lost a lot of authority since I got sick. Some of my previously obedient servants have deserted me. Specifically, I used to command 210# of gravity. When I jumped on a bale of wire to flatten it, all 210# were there.
But now 50 or so of my servants have left and only 160# still serve me.
My shadow also is diminished, which worries me some, considering the importance of a substantial shadow.

-----------------------

Dad lived to be 89. The last 8 years were struggles with Alzheimers disease.
Your shadow, Dad, remains substantial with those who loved and knew you.