Happy and healthy family relationships grow from decisions to work through all the problems of life in a constructive and loving way. The materials provided here may be used to guide discussion and considerations for a 50-60 minute parenting class to help parents grow into strong, supportive and loving mentors for their children.
Accepting Conflict
Conflict is natural!
If people live together, they will experience conflict.
Each family member is a different person, and each family member has a God-given need to protect their uniqueness. (1)
Conflicts arise out of personal values, beliefs and needs. Conflict is something to be resolved, not something to be avoided. Unresolved conflicts are like weeds that spread rapidly and crowd out the flowers.
Conflict is an opportunity to grow closer together.
Conflict within families is an opportunity to recognize each other's needs and uniqueness and to celebrate differences.
Fights Anger Resentment Quarrels
Each human being is programmed for survival.
When we feel that our God-given uniqueness is threatened, we feel an impulse to attack the threat (or run and flee).
Conflict in families leads to fear:
* fear of being emotionally wounded,
* fear of losing our loved ones,
* fear of having our weaknesses exposed,
* fear of not being considered,
* fear of not being respected.
When family members feel threatened, we must create a sense of safety.
Ground Rules for Conflict
Conflict resolution requires working together:
*listening, *sharing, *caring, * and fighting fairly (2).
1. Don't try to win. Make it a win-win situation.
Look for a solution where everyone feels OK.
2. Find a way to de-escalate.
Researchers have found that one negative comment requires five counteracting comments.
Agree on a time-out gesture which says, "I need a break".
The person calling for a time out is responsible for making a return appointment to finish the discussion.
3. Look for the positive.
Hurtful comments increase defensiveness.
4. Use what works!
5. Stop doing what doesn't work.
Avoid 'trigger words (lazy, fat, careless, stupid).
6. Keep the big picture in mind.
Don't let molehills become mountains.
7. It takes time.
Practice resolving minor issues. Resolve to do better.
Healing requires that both parties recognize what has occurred and work together to mend the damage.
Decide to Forgive. (3)
"For resentment is negative.
Resentment is poisonous.
Resentment diminishes and devours the self.
Be the first to forgive, To smile and to take the first step.
And you will see happiness bloom on the face of your human brother and sister.
Be always the first.
Do not wait for others to forgive
For by forgiving, You become the master of fate,
the fashioner of life,
the doers of miracles.
To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love.
In return you will receive untold peace and happiness."
(Robert Muller)
Forgiveness is a Process!
Forgiveness is the first step in achieving inner peace.
Forgiveness is a decision to release someone from a debt.
You no longer feel like the person owes you, and you decide that you will not try to even the score. (4).
Forgiveness:
* takes a spirit of humility,
* requires hard work,
* needs time,
* requires an open spirit,
* involves a decision,
* and is a process.
How to apologize.
When you were the transgressor, an apology is appropriate. An apology must be followed by attitude and behavior changes which verify that the apology was sincere.
1. Confess honestly your wrongdoing and accept responsibility.
2. Offer no excuse and do not attempt to shift the blame.
3. Acknowledge the level of hurt and pain that you caused.
4. Verbalize your remorse and ask to be forgiven.
5. Demonstrate signs of repentance, such as changed attitudes and behaviors.
Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
References.
1. Thomas A. Whiteman & Thomas G. Barlette. The Marriage Mender. Navpress. 1996.
2. Ibid. Chapter 8
3. Dear Abby - Monday, February 13, 1995.
4. Ibid. T. Whiteman & T. Barlette.. The Marriage Mender. Chapter 10
Friday, February 26, 2016
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Keys to Healthy and Loving Family Relationships: Session 1. Skills of Listening and Communicating
Happy and healthy family relationships grow from decisions to work through all the problems of life in a constructive and loving way. The materials provided here may be used to guide discussion and considerations for a 50-60 minute parenting class to help parents grow into strong, supportive and loving mentors for their children.
"Communication is essential to the expression of love. Where there is love, there must be communication. Love inevitably expresses itself and moves out toward others. When communication breaks down, love is blocked. It's energy will turn to resentment and hostility." (Herein is Love. Reuel Howe)
In many families, the key to communication cannot be found. The doors to meaningful sharing are locked. Communication is the process of sharing yourself both verbally and non-verbally in such a way that the other person can understand and accept what you are saying.
Listening, talking and understanding are all involved in communication. Constructive family communication is the result of a conscious decision deliberately made. Communication takes time, concern, and consideration.
The First duty of love is to listen. Hearing is passive; listening is active. Listening demands concentration...thinking with the other person. The following phrase is too often true; "You're hearing me, but you aren't listening to me." (Paul Tillich).
"It is impossible to overestimate the immense need people have to be really listened to. A person feels affirmed when they are thoughtfully listened to." (Paul Tournier).
Listening with both your ears and eyes is essential in communication, but listening doesn't come easily. Most of us want to talk and tell our side of the story. We need to listen more and talk less.
Family communication often becomes filled with emotional needs and struggles for power.
In messages involving feelings, psychologist Albert Mehrabian contends that non-verbal communication is the message that is heard. Think about what you are communicating through your:
Words (7%), Body language (55%- eye contact, gestures, facial expressions),Tone of voice (38%).
Misunderstandings and misinterpretations often occur.
There are actually six messages that can come through.
1. What you mean to say.
2. What you actually say.
3 What the other person hears.
4. What the other person thinks he hears.
5. What the other person says about what you said.
6. What you think the other person said about what you said. (1)
Barriers to Communication
Lack of time
Bad timing
Anger
Exaggeration
Poor choice of words
Mixed messages
Noise
Hearing problems
Unwillingness to listen to others
Self-centeredness
Lack of concern for others
Insecurity
Fear others will disagree
Words that hurt
Angry expressions
Too busy
Arrogance
Words have power. Chose them carefully.
Words can hurt, injure, anger and alienate.
Or they can heal, help, comfort and soothe.
Words that hurt and discourage.
What's the matter with you?
Why are you causing trouble?
Why don't you ever help?
You stupid idiot!
Can't you do one simple thing?
Is that the best you can do?
Words that heal and encourage.
That's great, I like that.
I appreciate what you do around here.
Could you please help me with this?
I'm proud of you.
Thank you for helping.
You're coming along. Keep at it.
Instead of "YOU" Statements (they place blame and create defensiveness)
-Why did you do that?, You are so careless!
use "I" Statements (they describe your feelings and create understanding.).
- I'm confused. I don't understand what you're doing. I'm afraid you're going to break something.
Avoid Buzz words and absolute terms.
Words such as 'always', 'never', and 'why didn't you' run up red flags.
- You never listen to me!
- You always interrupt me when I talk.
- Why didn't you finish that ?
Think of a thoughtful way to make a point.
- I feel left out when you don't include me in the conversation.
- When you finish your job we can play a game.
- When you interrupt me I lose track of what I'm saying.
Write it down!
The marriage weekend retreats called Marriage Encounter encourage writing thoughts and feelings about relationships and sharing them with your partner.
Writing helps to focus thoughts and crystallize feelings in a way that helps the writer and the receiver understand the problem better without being burdened with emotional expression or gestures.
The Family Realm is Unique.
It is within the family realm that the qualities of God's love are developed and shared. The family realm is the unique organization in which we become whole in our relationships.
Other organizations, including school, church, business or recreation, involve us only for a limited time with a focused involvement. We interact as a role person with role expectations.
It is within the family that we interact as a whole person with the emotions of a whole person. Many processes are occurring at once with a goal of permanent involvement and mutidimensional caregiving. It is within the family that we grow as a person of ultimate value.
Impart Grace to Those Who Hear. Speak the Truth in Love.
But speaking the truth in love, may you grow up into Him in all things, which is the head, even Christ. (Ephesians 4:15).
Therefore, putting away falsehood, let every one speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another...
Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for edifying, as fits the occasion, that it may impart grace to those who hear.
Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God...Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, with all malice,
And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:25-32).
Reference:
1. H. Norman Wright. Communication: Key to your Marriage. Gospel Light, 1978:17).
"Communication is essential to the expression of love. Where there is love, there must be communication. Love inevitably expresses itself and moves out toward others. When communication breaks down, love is blocked. It's energy will turn to resentment and hostility." (Herein is Love. Reuel Howe)
In many families, the key to communication cannot be found. The doors to meaningful sharing are locked. Communication is the process of sharing yourself both verbally and non-verbally in such a way that the other person can understand and accept what you are saying.
Listening, talking and understanding are all involved in communication. Constructive family communication is the result of a conscious decision deliberately made. Communication takes time, concern, and consideration.
The First duty of love is to listen. Hearing is passive; listening is active. Listening demands concentration...thinking with the other person. The following phrase is too often true; "You're hearing me, but you aren't listening to me." (Paul Tillich).
"It is impossible to overestimate the immense need people have to be really listened to. A person feels affirmed when they are thoughtfully listened to." (Paul Tournier).
Listening with both your ears and eyes is essential in communication, but listening doesn't come easily. Most of us want to talk and tell our side of the story. We need to listen more and talk less.
Family communication often becomes filled with emotional needs and struggles for power.
In messages involving feelings, psychologist Albert Mehrabian contends that non-verbal communication is the message that is heard. Think about what you are communicating through your:
Words (7%), Body language (55%- eye contact, gestures, facial expressions),Tone of voice (38%).
Misunderstandings and misinterpretations often occur.
There are actually six messages that can come through.
1. What you mean to say.
2. What you actually say.
3 What the other person hears.
4. What the other person thinks he hears.
5. What the other person says about what you said.
6. What you think the other person said about what you said. (1)
Barriers to Communication
Lack of time
Bad timing
Anger
Exaggeration
Poor choice of words
Mixed messages
Noise
Hearing problems
Unwillingness to listen to others
Self-centeredness
Lack of concern for others
Insecurity
Fear others will disagree
Words that hurt
Angry expressions
Too busy
Arrogance
Words have power. Chose them carefully.
Words can hurt, injure, anger and alienate.
Or they can heal, help, comfort and soothe.
Words that hurt and discourage.
What's the matter with you?
Why are you causing trouble?
Why don't you ever help?
You stupid idiot!
Can't you do one simple thing?
Is that the best you can do?
Words that heal and encourage.
That's great, I like that.
I appreciate what you do around here.
Could you please help me with this?
I'm proud of you.
Thank you for helping.
You're coming along. Keep at it.
Instead of "YOU" Statements (they place blame and create defensiveness)
-Why did you do that?, You are so careless!
use "I" Statements (they describe your feelings and create understanding.).
- I'm confused. I don't understand what you're doing. I'm afraid you're going to break something.
Avoid Buzz words and absolute terms.
Words such as 'always', 'never', and 'why didn't you' run up red flags.
- You never listen to me!
- You always interrupt me when I talk.
- Why didn't you finish that ?
Think of a thoughtful way to make a point.
- I feel left out when you don't include me in the conversation.
- When you finish your job we can play a game.
- When you interrupt me I lose track of what I'm saying.
Write it down!
The marriage weekend retreats called Marriage Encounter encourage writing thoughts and feelings about relationships and sharing them with your partner.
Writing helps to focus thoughts and crystallize feelings in a way that helps the writer and the receiver understand the problem better without being burdened with emotional expression or gestures.
The Family Realm is Unique.
It is within the family realm that the qualities of God's love are developed and shared. The family realm is the unique organization in which we become whole in our relationships.
Other organizations, including school, church, business or recreation, involve us only for a limited time with a focused involvement. We interact as a role person with role expectations.
It is within the family that we interact as a whole person with the emotions of a whole person. Many processes are occurring at once with a goal of permanent involvement and mutidimensional caregiving. It is within the family that we grow as a person of ultimate value.
Impart Grace to Those Who Hear. Speak the Truth in Love.
But speaking the truth in love, may you grow up into Him in all things, which is the head, even Christ. (Ephesians 4:15).
Therefore, putting away falsehood, let every one speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another...
Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for edifying, as fits the occasion, that it may impart grace to those who hear.
Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God...Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, with all malice,
And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:25-32).
Reference:
1. H. Norman Wright. Communication: Key to your Marriage. Gospel Light, 1978:17).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
